selingan lucu hari ini

later today at 6pm, anne & i are going to ikano so that i can get my dress with a matching mask.

(2:18 PM) nikolay tyutyunnik: eh anne
(2:18 PM) nikolay tyutyunnik: dah pukul 6 la
(2:18 PM) nikolay tyutyunnik: jom
(2:19 PM) anne: aku percaya ok
(2:19 PM) anne: aku terpikir
(2:19 PM) anne: eh..
(2:19 PM) anne: aku tadi tgh tunggu kopi
(2:19 PM) anne: mungkin aku dah minum aku lupe kot
(2:20 PM) nikolay tyutyunnik: aku dan kongkong sdg mentertawakan ko

-_- anne terlalu mudah percaya.

p/s: one morning i received a spam-mail about cheap viagras from a nikolay tyutyunnik. haha. what a funny name. i like.

reminiscence of despite

lewat malam tadi, aku bermimpi.

eight years ago, i had a close friend. that i fell in love with. despite what the friendship turned into, i kept all the sweetest memories of him close to my heart. at that time, the mirc chatting device was quite a hit. i couldn't recall how we first knew each other. i think through a friend of mine who had a huge crush on him. it was on their first blind date that i tagged along. ok. i was dragged along. done with chatting on mirc, we chatted on the phone instead. late night conversations. since my secondary school was situated right in the middle of the hip & happening part of Kuala Lumpur, it was easy for us to hang out for drinks at the forbidden mamak stalls. it was known to our circle of friends how close we were at that time. we had an on-off relationship where suddenly we would stop contacting each other & suddenly a call would appear out of the blue. i knew where i stood all the time. i remember fick was a sweet guy. & we all know how girls have a thing for sweet guys. apparently, everytime he went 'missing', i knew he was dating someone. i decided that i should just stop have feelings for him & stick to just friends. once, when he didn't cal me in a while, i found out that he got back together with his ex-girlfriend. i was kind of relieved because i thought this is it. this will stop me from having feelings towards him. right. i respected his relationship. i knew his girlfriend was curious about me. but fick, he wouldn't stop calling me. until one day, i think, they broke off because of...me. honestly, i didn't intend to interfere. when fick said his girlfriend was jealous of me, i was clueless. jealous of what? i totally raked my head for answers. though i was having a crush on him, i was the only one with the secret. nobody else. but it was back then, when i was naive about most of the important things in life. so, we got close again. parted and got close. it was after a year of befriending fick, that this one night, on the phone, he blurted out, "i love you". which of course left me speechless. what i felt that night tasted like a fruit punch, with everything mixed all together. it was awkward in the first place, but we managed to act all normal about it. & he continued blurting it out everytime we ended our phone conversation. i was skeptical. i didn't really reply it. "ok" was enough. haha. until one night when i think it was my turn to make a confession. "i love you & i don't want to lose you" was said in one breath and a peck on his cheek. "ha? apa awak cakap tadi? saya tak dengar la". laaa..tak dengar ke? but i ignored him. on second thought, maybe it was a mistake so i was glad that he didn't get it. the next night we had supper with a couple of friends in Bangsar. there was a couple of menus on our table & i remember there was this one steak with a funny name so i read it out loud. at the same time fick, who was sitting across the table, held a same copy of the menu. he too, as i saw it, was studying the menu. "ha? ape? steak i love you but i don't want to lose you?". -____- at that time, i felt like running right into the middle of the street, biar kena langgar kereta. fick have this typical sweetness a girl would expect from a guy. when i got mad at him, he'd say "eh. betul la orang cakap, perempuan nampak lebih manis bila dia marah". now tell me how am i supposed to not fall for that? there was this one night when we were driving around town, i was sitting next to him, another two of our friends at the back. the traffic light was red, & i was looking outside my window. it turned out we missed a green light. because the other two at the back was looking out from each other's side window too & fick? he was looking at me. cheesy, i know. sigh. i loved all the good moments we had together. once, on a phone conversation, the line got distracted & i joked "i'm losing you! i'm losing you". instead, he said "no. you'll never lose me" in a very calm manner. but it was in those days. somehow, after a long time i got tired of him always coming back to me when he's not dating anyone else. i got tired because while he's dating that someone, he didn't even give me call to say "hi". yes. i just wanted a "hi", nothing more. because i know, even if we get together, someday we'll broke off & lose each other. & if we stay friends, he'll get married one day, & it's just the same. i'll lose him.

fick, i got up this morning & i miss you.

you! get on my cloud. now.

i'm watching the rolling stones video. 'get off of my cloud', way back in the 60's.


gila. mick jagger buat hati aku geli-geli-berdebar-rakus.

up for a masquarade

halloween's next week. yeay! not that i'm celebrating or anything, but our company is having a masque dinner next week. every three month a team is given the task to organize an event for the company. it's a way for the company to say sorry for all the pressure & pushing with the workloads. for this coming masque dinner, i still haven't decide what kind of a mask i should wear. i have thought about just wearing a black net like marie antoinette:

but it'll only look good if i have a really nice eye-catching gown to go with it. then i decided on a green saree that maybe can go with this mask:
anyway, later i suddenly remember of bjork once did this videoclip where she had a bling bling mask. i think it was glued to her face 1 by 1 which i guess was normal for someone like bjork. & i'm eye-ing that leopard-printed halter gown at P&Co. hmmmm.... when i've decided what to wear, i'll decide on the mask. & the dinner's just next week!

against the red traffic light

Kenapa, manusia
walaupun kamu tahu dari zahirnya ia adalah suatu kesalahan, kamu masih melakukannya?
dan kemudian dengan senang-lenang kamu menyesalinya?

kalau kesal itu tidak pernah wujud, mungkin dari awal lagi kamu akan menghindarinya.

jujur my ass

Kau datang dalam hatiku,
bukan kali pertama,
tapi kali kedua.
Aku cuba jadi terbaik untukmu,
akan ku capai bintang jika kau mahu
biar ia menjadi tanda cinta ini.
Berikan aku ruang untukmu,
akan ku jadikan selimut jika kau sejuk
terimalah cinta ikhlas dariku
maafkan aku

('heart 27Feb07-23:41)

*i was rummaging through my work-machine because it's really slow with so little free space. lastnight we had a stabbing-conversation. yes. i've been really sneaky since i knew his myspace password (uh-oh!). just 2 days ago he said he's currently focusing on me. nobody else but me. but he was in a message-conversation with a girl whose fiance decided it's not the time yet. 1 minute she was supportive on our relationship, & the next she was trying to play hanky-panky with 'heart? ei, what's up?? & 'heart! he wasn't helping. i always reminded 'heart to share his friends (especially girls) with me, like how i always did. so whatever happens, he'll know that we're just friends. i waited for him to brought up his new-found-friend. waited and waited. but he's sneaky in his own way. he wouldn't say it until i pointed it out myself. i'm stupid, no doubt. of thinking that he's changed or he will change. but it's all the same. & even have the nerve of accusing me of getting back together with him just so i can do the exact same thing to him & later dump him. WTF la wei.

apparently he got the idea & changed his password late lastnight i guess. everytime i get sneaky, always, i found something wrong. his phone, his inbox. call me a psycho girlfriend, because i am. & i have my own reason. jujur kau kata? JUJUR my ass.

azuki frapp: update

azuki frapp

who sometime thinks he's a human being.

Aren't we supposed to get-together on Eid?

Eid this year, was very enjoyable for me. as stated on my previous post, i went all the way to the south to seek the feel of javanese raya, the other side of me. i have to say, i'm very proud of this heritage that was passed down to me by abah though the only java word that i know is wes mangan (have you eaten?) & saadly i don't know how to answer to that question. (waras, maybe?). on the 1st day, mili & i got some duit raya (eh eh. kalau orang memberi, kita? menerimanya dengan tangan terbuka lah. ngeh). with the money, i decided that we should get ourselves a disposable camera (lost our digital 1 earlier this year) to record some javanese raya scene. so-so. instead we got ourselves a film camera for RM39.90. not disposable but i'm not betting it will still work by the end of this year. haha. afternoon, we met anne & headed to the city's mall. so much for the spirit of Eid. the next day we went to abah's hometown where people still converse daily in javanese. & later that night, met some club friends (surprise! surprise!) which later we found out that we're related. & they got themselves a hip & cool aunt. NGEH! come 4th raya day, 'heart who came the day before, joined me in the quest of job hunting in Singapore. well, my interview was at 2pm & his at 6pm. my interview went quite well, though i forgot all about my education certificates. tsk..tsk..tsk... & 'heart, having some complications in speaking english, was disappointed with his interview. cheer up! you're working with me next month remember? i was happy this raya. i enjoyed it very very much that i forgot about mak's well-being. a cousin on mak's side called yesterday to tell me about how on the 2nd day of raya, mak was already home because her sister left her all alone & went raya somewhere without telling. hearing this, as a daughter, i was blaming myself for going down south. but then, i thought about along who was only 75minutes away from mak but couldn't find just a little free time to spend with her. along is the best brother anyone could ever have, no doubt. but he could've at least give mak a chance.

if only i have the power to mend things right.

fish killer must DIE

sms

014******1: GUESS WHAT?! last 2 weeks ade orang sabotaj poison underwaterworld kat langkawi n arnd 600 species mati!

012******0: yes. i heard..2 weeks ago.

ok. so i just got to know about it only yesterday (which proves that i don't watch the news). how could they?! all those innocent fishes. if you're that mad at the management or someone, hurt that person itself. don't go poisoning some exotic, cute swimming fishes!! you've got to be out of your mind to be doing that!! i was so sad when abah brought up the topic. i wanted to cry. i want to find whomever did that awful stuff and kick him in the head and later put him in a tank of water and pour poison. so we talked about the incident that maybe that particular person was an insider since he knew which tank to poison. or since along said that the business was going slow so maybe that heartless psycho wanted to put an end to the business. or maybe he/she/they wanted publicity. but it's wrong. WRONG!!! i hate whoever that person is.

where's my aidilfitri spirit?

eh. raya minggu depan lah. & i'll be 24 by end of this year. benci dengan perasaan yang ada dalam diri sekarang. perasaan yang tak teruja dengan raya yang akan datang. honestly. i hate growing up because then i'll forget fun & won't believe in fairytales anymore. typical, raya songs are being played everywhere: here in the office, on the radio, kamdar, also as ringtones. i think it's a sin for me to say this:i dislike lagu-lagu raya yang berkumandang. no, it doesn't make me feel sad. just plain...hate. well, i do have a favourite, the one sung by ahmad jais 'selamat hari raya' because i like the bass line. it'll be better if it's not a raya song.
& after how many years, i can't remember, i'm going back to abah's hometown: batu pahat. sedih. fikirkan mak yang beraya tanpa anak-anak di sisi. nak buat macam mana, mak. all you have to do is just come and have a chat with abah. abah pun sama. stop with the cold war. enough with the silent treatment. we, your children, would hate it if both of you have to grow old alone. because i know, i wouldn't want to grow old & alone myself.

rabun dan pekak

i feel better today because lastnight, mili's friend was sooooooo kind that she gave me 2 bikinis, 3 tops & 1 boardshorts, f.o.c. despite of me not smiling at her on a previous occasion because i was rabun & i have this short term memory lost. well, lately, that's been happening to me: unknown girls smiling at me. and, and, and...i didn't act friendly at all. "owh. you're so kedekut senyum" said mili. eh, bukanlah. i'm not a snob. maybe that recent attitude have got something to do with self-confidence. i just shut people off by not making any type of contact: eye, smile, body language. even lastnight at the bank, there were a couple of drag-queens hanging around & i guess they kinda like my hairdo, saying out loud "cantik la dia. cantik la dia." i should've at least smile at them, right? tapi aku buat pekak. like nobody was there, saying nothing. oh well. i'll try to remind myself next time to smile.
i can't wait for the day to end so i can straight go to the aquarium shop and get me a new REAL aquarium (because all these while i've been keeping my fishes in cookie jars).

hmmm...i'm on YM with 'hearts & he's not saying anything about his friends gathering this saturday.

berlari ke sudut

dan aku mula melangkah satu demi satu
mencari sudut yang tidak akan memuntahkan aku
suatu sudut yang akan memberi aku perlindungan
dari cahaya yang datang tercari-cari
terasa diri ku kecil, rendah dan kerdil
aku faham akan manusia sekeliling
yang sudah letih dengan bebel ku
yang tidak langsung memberi apa-apa keuntungan untuk mereka
mereka sudah sengaja memekakkan telinga
aku tidak mempersalahkan mereka
kerana hanya pada aku seorang
jari itu harus di tuding
adakah ketagihan yang melanda diri ku yang sesat ini?
mengapa aku masih mencari manusia
menuding jari kepada mereka
memburukkan mereka tanpa menghiraukan kebaikannya?

dan langkah ku mulai melaju
mula berlari-lari anak
mula berlari dangan pantas sampai sekitar menjadi kabur
kepada sudut yang sedang mendepa-kan tangannya
sudi menerima aku yang teresak-esak ini

-f.z.k.-

conservative in the kitchen

"u'r good enough to make people around u feel welcome & i bet u most of them would like to be ur friend. stop being paranoid. instead of telling anne that, now am telling u the same thing."

yang ini my other close girlfriend. yes. apparently i have only two very close girlfriends with the most different persona/attitude ever. it has always been like that. when i was in primary, in high school; i'm forever be the one stuck in the middle. but i'm honest in saying that you can see the both of them in me. no doubt. elle, is a very conservative being. she would like to study until she get whatever menara gading just to satisfy her own needs (she's a 4-flat student, mind you). she owns a good boyfriend & not planning on flirting with anyone else in the meantime just to checkout some other options. i guess you can say her life is somewhat like those wives we see on t.v. to picture the perfect american family. she cooks, bake nice cakes & muffins, wears apron in the kitchen, goes EVERYWHERE with her boyfriend, she bebels & suka tumpah-tumpahkan air. i totally love to tease her. she would scoff at certain wild stuff anne & i do sometimes. elle is the person i need to make me sane again, to scoff at myself when i'm being a klutz. but she's afraid of cats. instead, she'd rather sleep with an iguana. loco! auwwrr...but she just bought an angora mixed rabbit which is the cutest thing ever. but that's another story. always, i whine at her, saying that i'm no good at socializing (refer to the dialog above). it's true. most of my friends are my friends' friend. afraid of what the other party would think of me, i shut myself up. owh yes. i think too much of the consequences in every aspect. but anyway elle, i feel at ease when i read your comment. only the first 2 minutes. ngah!

it's hard to explain

i, myself is refusing to believe in it. tapi mungkin aku sudah tawar hati.

or maybe it's just PMS.

she's a remote control

& that's what keeping her sane. i'm not saying she's a control freak, but she likes to feel that way. we've been friends for about ten years now. had some ups & downs, joy & sorrow. the most important thing about anne, she knows what she wants & she's gonna work hard for it no matter what. i'm already proud of where she got herself now. she is that free-spirited person people wouldn't mind being around with. guys, wants her. girls, wants to practically be her. though she was in some bad relationships, i'm glad that in the end, she'll decide that life have to go on & there's not a single minute to waste. she's that hippie dreamer with passion to fulfill. by saying her icon is kerry bradshaw (yes. of that sex & the city series), u know what kind of a person i'm talking about. she is my shoulder to cry on, the lap that i turn to whenever i feel there's no one else to comfort me. plus, she's good with words like that of peppermint tea, cooling me down. whenever we get together, bizarre things will definitely happen, somehow. i accuse her of being the magnet. or maybe we just make a good 'bizarre-team'. despite her free-spirited persona, there are times when she's too paranoid of her surroundings. of what they might say. & always i ponder, why would she wanna feel that way? there's no need of that, anne. u are good the way u are. & nobody's perfect, remember? so stop trying to satisfy everyone & leave a little space for yourself.