reminiscence of despite

lewat malam tadi, aku bermimpi.

eight years ago, i had a close friend. that i fell in love with. despite what the friendship turned into, i kept all the sweetest memories of him close to my heart. at that time, the mirc chatting device was quite a hit. i couldn't recall how we first knew each other. i think through a friend of mine who had a huge crush on him. it was on their first blind date that i tagged along. ok. i was dragged along. done with chatting on mirc, we chatted on the phone instead. late night conversations. since my secondary school was situated right in the middle of the hip & happening part of Kuala Lumpur, it was easy for us to hang out for drinks at the forbidden mamak stalls. it was known to our circle of friends how close we were at that time. we had an on-off relationship where suddenly we would stop contacting each other & suddenly a call would appear out of the blue. i knew where i stood all the time. i remember fick was a sweet guy. & we all know how girls have a thing for sweet guys. apparently, everytime he went 'missing', i knew he was dating someone. i decided that i should just stop have feelings for him & stick to just friends. once, when he didn't cal me in a while, i found out that he got back together with his ex-girlfriend. i was kind of relieved because i thought this is it. this will stop me from having feelings towards him. right. i respected his relationship. i knew his girlfriend was curious about me. but fick, he wouldn't stop calling me. until one day, i think, they broke off because of...me. honestly, i didn't intend to interfere. when fick said his girlfriend was jealous of me, i was clueless. jealous of what? i totally raked my head for answers. though i was having a crush on him, i was the only one with the secret. nobody else. but it was back then, when i was naive about most of the important things in life. so, we got close again. parted and got close. it was after a year of befriending fick, that this one night, on the phone, he blurted out, "i love you". which of course left me speechless. what i felt that night tasted like a fruit punch, with everything mixed all together. it was awkward in the first place, but we managed to act all normal about it. & he continued blurting it out everytime we ended our phone conversation. i was skeptical. i didn't really reply it. "ok" was enough. haha. until one night when i think it was my turn to make a confession. "i love you & i don't want to lose you" was said in one breath and a peck on his cheek. "ha? apa awak cakap tadi? saya tak dengar la". laaa..tak dengar ke? but i ignored him. on second thought, maybe it was a mistake so i was glad that he didn't get it. the next night we had supper with a couple of friends in Bangsar. there was a couple of menus on our table & i remember there was this one steak with a funny name so i read it out loud. at the same time fick, who was sitting across the table, held a same copy of the menu. he too, as i saw it, was studying the menu. "ha? ape? steak i love you but i don't want to lose you?". -____- at that time, i felt like running right into the middle of the street, biar kena langgar kereta. fick have this typical sweetness a girl would expect from a guy. when i got mad at him, he'd say "eh. betul la orang cakap, perempuan nampak lebih manis bila dia marah". now tell me how am i supposed to not fall for that? there was this one night when we were driving around town, i was sitting next to him, another two of our friends at the back. the traffic light was red, & i was looking outside my window. it turned out we missed a green light. because the other two at the back was looking out from each other's side window too & fick? he was looking at me. cheesy, i know. sigh. i loved all the good moments we had together. once, on a phone conversation, the line got distracted & i joked "i'm losing you! i'm losing you". instead, he said "no. you'll never lose me" in a very calm manner. but it was in those days. somehow, after a long time i got tired of him always coming back to me when he's not dating anyone else. i got tired because while he's dating that someone, he didn't even give me call to say "hi". yes. i just wanted a "hi", nothing more. because i know, even if we get together, someday we'll broke off & lose each other. & if we stay friends, he'll get married one day, & it's just the same. i'll lose him.

fick, i got up this morning & i miss you.