considering life

last night aku tidur di ruang tamu rumah baru. celik saja dari tidur, aku on televisyen, channel [V], ke hulu-hilir doing my moves to Depeche Mode, Royksopp dan Pussy Cat Dolls. lalang di depan rumah ada segelintir bunga-bunga violet dan aku teriak, "macam spring sangat." aku happy barang-barang penting sudah dipindahkan tinggal lagi yang sampah-sarap saja di apartment lama. this new house forbid guy friends unless ada majlis keramaian. bila free nanti, aku mahu cari tikar getah dan pasang jaring halus di tingkap.

malam nanti aku busy mahu sort out stuff untuk dijual di majlis keramaian ultra-besar esok. lebih kurang 60% barang yang aku pindahkan adalah clothes. dan hanya 5% dari yang dipindahkan aku tolak tepi mahu jual. i couldn't let go of the clothes. alasan dalam kepala, "nanti ada event sesuai boleh pakai" or "yang ni simpan untuk pass down macam mak buat". typical. walaupun e-mail dari organizer cakap market tutup pukul 10pm, aku mahu pack-up awal so that i can go berdisko to live music. banyak band yang aku mahu tonton dan nod my head to. i have to go no matter what. by the way, kalau kau tahu aku yang mana satu, come up and tegur. maybe it's okay to know who's reading my blog yang macam entah apa-apa ini.

bila aku dapat tahu ada orang yang link-kan blog ini dari blog mereka, aku penuh tanda tanya. my stories macam sama like their's ke? or they link me up pasal 'oh-my-god! pathetic-nya blog ni!' so they can laugh about it. apa saja lah. kadang-kadang kalau aku berada di khalayak ramai, aku selalu fikir mana antara mereka yang tahu tentang blog ini and then whisper among themselves, "ni la blogger yang sedih tu." sedih as in pathetic. whatever. just come and say 'hi' and if you like what i'm wearing, say it too pasal i think it's absurd to be talking about the weather nowadays. my self-confidence is at the most pathetic level ever i need some compliments.

kau tahu, entri-entri Sarah selalu buat aku teringat tentang my sad, heart-breaking past. yeah, i'm still mourning about it. it's just so weird to see that girl's name on the commercialized blog, i just have to delete the link. but i love his friends i can't delete them from my life. aku rasa it'll take me exactly the same amount of years together with him to get over it entirely. atau aku perlu apply konsep The Secret di sini?

anyway, i'm working on Elle's band's CD sleeve. rasa macam berguna sangat. after that i have to work on a friend's deck. dan aku harap aku dapat score that Singaporean clothing store's deal.

Mili cakap aku bawa rezeki pasal everytime aku masuk kedai kosong, a few minutes after that mesti kedai penuh. aku cakap pada Lavid, aku bawa rezeki pada orang but not to myself dan dia tepis dengan keras. aku cepat-cepat cari kayu mahu ketuk. rezeki aku selalunya datang secara tidak disedari. aku bersyukur.

setiap pagi, kita perlu bersyukur dengan apa yang kita ada. tapi itu bukan alasan untuk stay average.

creeping around calling darkness

twitter kawan (well, do you consider me as a friend?) aku cakap something about fuck here, fuck there just so to forget that one and only. aku rasa, boleh, boleh tapi at the end of the day selepas rounds after rounds kau jadi lunyai. secara jasmani dan rohani.

trip ke Dungun, aku ada curi dengar perbualan Abah, something about perlu bersihkan diri dari dengki. busuk hati perlu spray dengan wangi-wangian so that you can live happily ever after. i'd like to get my hands on those wangi-wangian.

aku bosan dengan orang yang suka order logo and after i've given them my drafts, jadi senyap. or after i've stated my price, jadi senyap. kalau tidak suka, just say it to my face. aku tidak suka dengan perkara-perkara yang tidak ada confirmation. aku juga bengang dengan DJ yang manipulate aku pasal yeah, aku memang pun senang untuk di-manipulate. buat aku mahu jerit, "dude, tolong jangan cakap draggy dengan aku! dan tak payah lah repeat dua-tiga kali! dan bukan ke lagi senang kalau kau just text me up the information?!!!." just because i'm not a good designer kau boleh buat sesuka hati kau. jangan sampai aku menangis sebab, oh-oh-oh, kalau aku menangis muka aku buruk and you'll get nightmares about it.

it's the Monday disease, kan?

let's not discuss all these things we can't undo

malam tadi, sebelum aku mimpi bercuti dalam boat-house yang kemudiannya karam, aku mimpi pasal bad grammar.

tadi aku log in Friendster. kalau kau pandai, kau cari account bekas kekasih. current girlfriend mesti makan hati. oh well.

aku mahu pergi makan sotong goreng tepi laut. kemudian mungkin main layang-layang buatan sendiri (tengok status rajin pasal sana banyak angin, paling best layan baring sambil membaca). kalau sana ada wi-fi, nanti aku cerita tentang mimpi boat-house karam. kalau tidak ada wi-fi, lepas getaway, mungkin. kalau aku ingat lagi.

pasal aku suka create my own stories, tambah sana sini. see the name lah, kan.

raspy shit

bodoh betul. aku rasa maybe i was on some hallucinating device at that time. by the way, at that time, i used this picture where i showed a finger so part yang dia cakap "thanks for your finger", aku tak tahu dia refer finger yang mana satu.

cracked dowh!

p/s: i think this a good start to washing away all those sorrows and pathetic-ness and hatred, kan?

destroy everything you touch

perbualan SMS.

aku: apsal kau macam hilang dari Facebook?

Yaya: aku dah de-activate. now i feel much better.

dan conversation went berjela-jela tapi ada satu part aku ingat Yaya cakap pasal how people terlalu berpegang sangat pada memori. "you should throw it away," dia cakap.

tapi aku memang sangat-sangat-sangat suka simpan benda-benda yang ada sentimental values (i got it from my momma, i got it from my momma)

okay. okay. i'm gonna delete my Myspace account. Friendster aku sudah lupa password. kemudian pergi salon, luruskan rambut, tukar nama.

but can i please, please, please keep the Obey clutch?

you might win some but you just lost ones

isi kandungan blog ini penuh dengan hatred, kesedihan, pathetic-ness. i was such a happy person back then. but i fell in love.

inilah padahnya terlalu mengagungkan cinta. or terlalu mengagungkan ego. either way, dalam diam aku bersetuju dengan Elle bila dia cakap aku yang dua tahun lepas sangat lain dengan aku yang sekarang. worse.

haha. ironic sangat, Lauryn Hill's Lost Ones is playing on my playlist right this very minute.

this picture

so i was online stalking. very unhealthy.

someone's face on a board with a name inspired by me. a weird kind of pairing. owh yes. this is what they call 'bekas kekasih'.

and my job is to feel proud that i left a big mark behind and smile honestly about it because life is just funny like that.

and by funny, the face will get scratched one of these days when the boys find a nice curb to grind on.

amuse me and i'll give you a cookie

Elle mengadu tentang mereka yang telah tersentuh hati dengan pertunangannya lalu juga mahu sertai peringkat itu. aku tumpang gembira pasal it is a good thing, getting serious about something. tentang sesuatu yang nyata. tapi janganlah kerana 'just because' dan tidak payah berlumba-lumba untuk menang race siapa-punya-majlis-lagi-best. buat semua orang stress dengan perangai kau. haha. aku mampu berkata sedemikian pasal currently i'm not attached to anyone. maybe if i'm attached, things will be the other way round. aku pun tidak pasti sangat.

bosan dengan topik kahwin, Elle dan Puaka mengalihkan perhatian kepada aku. they wonder who i'll end up with, next. main teka-teka. Puaka mahu carikan seorang ustaz which kind of freaked me out. and i can't really explain the feeling. Elle pointed out because of the way that i bring myself around, tidak nampak serious jadi nobody took me seriously. like, maybe i do need a relationship but i made it seemed like i just need a hook up. mungkin ada kena-mengena dengan sifat easy-to-please aku.

macam itu hari, bila aku menghantar SMS ke Yaya dan dia reply bahawa dia baru sahaja melakukan proses mati Heath Ledger, i found it amusing and joked about it. well, yeah, she is funny like that. you know, that weird kind of funny. merepek. and Elle pointed out that what if Yaya was serious about it? macam orang lain mungkin akan susah hati with her act but i just laughed about it. okay. jadi bila aku think it over, aku macam risau juga kalau-kalau Yaya was serious about over-dosing herself. but she's always over-dosed like that!

like seriously, why so serious?