pengakuan yang tidak disangka-sangka

okay. this is bizarre. apparently, he actually realized that dirinya seorang asshole. and no, i didn't say it to his face. owh. wow.

tuhan, adakah karma dia sudah sampai?

the revenge aku tujukan pada yang lain, tidak sangka silap aim and landed on him. dia beritahu aku yang dia rasa dirinya sangat teruk. yang dia rasa lain, macam sesuatu yang tidak kena. macam rasa guilty yang sangat, sangat, sangat besar.

aku kata, "there's always a first time to everything." ha. ha.

wow. i'm still amazed. and now, aku rasa macam bitch. gila. babi.
tapi tidak rasa teruk sangat pasal aku rasa sudah selesai semuanya. tiba hujung bulan nanti, mungkin aku akan rindu sedikit. just a pinch. but the haunting will stop.

it's time to celebrate. trick or treat, anyone?

hidup sihat tanpa distraction emosi

the other day, mili said something about kepercayaan para warga cina bahawa tahun ini, iaitu tahun tikus adalah tahun badluck. aku ingatkan tahun ong pasal 2008 (8 = kayaaa). rupanya sangkaan aku meleset. then she said that by the end of the year, they will start kemaskini kan apa yang sudah berlaku pasal pengakhiran tahun sial sudah datang and tahun lembu macam akan bawa good luck yang banyak. hmmm...adakah aku sedang mengalami sesi goodluck tersebut, especially dalam division emosi? i'm doing quite well now, it's amazing! buktinya, i was a total bitch last night, makan dengan rakus tanpa ada apa-apa perasaan. it was nafsu, nafsu, nafsu all the way. dan aku macam terkejut dengan good morning wish from him. have i like finally moved on? well, apparently reaction aku macam lebih elok dari kejadian yang sebelumnya.

baru sahaja last week aku asyik terfikirkan bagaimanalah aku boleh berada dalam situasi ini. kenapa aku boleh jadi sampai emosi macam ini? pagi tadi kawan aku yang sudah fell in love dengan a forbidden guy tanya, currently tidak ada sesiapakah yang sedang jadi distraction perasaan aku. it took me a while to answer her. jawapannya tiada. i'm currently enjoying the attentions, living in my own fantasy world. hujung minggu sudah dekat, party, party, party lagi. i don't spend most of my time thinking about perasaan lagi pasal aku sudah decided that tidak ada guna lah kalau terlalu layankan perasaan. baik aku enjoy the moment saja. kalau layankan saja nanti buat sakit hati. isk. takutnya dengan ayat tu. sakit hati. wuuuuu...

mungkin aku sudah tidak sakit hati sangat pasal aku sudah balas dendam. but she won't have to know. cukup aku seorang sahaja tahu. at least karma yang attack aku nanti mungkin kurang sikit sakit dia.

as for him, he'll be an asshole sampai bila-bila pun. pasal dia akan selalu jadi lelaki. harapnya aku bukan tulang rusuknya yang hilang.

bukan sombong, okay

kau pernahkah alami situasi di mana you've always bumped into this person, real life and on cyberspace dan kau selalu mahu lemparkan senyuman atau just say 'hi' tapi macam tidak pernah keluar? aku selalu sangat caught up in this situation. how do you deal with that? it's just a smile or a 'hi', tidak susah pun tapi somehow, walau sudah lapanpuluhlapanribukali kau bumped into that person, all you could do just alihkan pandangan ke tempat lain. macam aku, selalu pandang bawah saja. macam konon lagi seronok mengkaji tekstur pavement atau kalau-kalau ada makhluk mikro di celah-celahnya.

maannn! i wanna say 'hi' to a lot of people out there!

teruk betul lah tahap self-esteem aku. ini dipanggil sombong atau segan?

are you prolly dating a lawnmower?

i was browsing around facebook and came across this joke. nasty, nasty.


Q : Why did God put men on earth?

A : Because a vibrator can't mow the lawn.


i forwarded this joke to a friend and he said, "apa lah yang best sangat vibrator tu?"
so i replied, "maybe...hmm...they don't CHEAT?"

hujan bulan oktober

hujan
bulan oktober

bawa datang
memori yang lalu

yang bahagia
yang sedih
yang buat
jiwa bergolak

angin
yang datang dengan hujan
angin deras
buat diri sejuk
kadang-kadang sepi

hujan
bulan oktober

pelangi warna warni
matahari jingga
langit biru
november

akan aku nantikan.

manusia tidak akan pernah puas

when i told al that i'm currently on an sms-marathon with a friend of his, he smiled sheepishly. he said, "bagi lah dia sikit. dia tengah down tu." what? so now i look like someone who gives out sex for heartbroken people, kononnya beri hope that it's not the end of the world? great.

i've not been posting here pasal aku sedang menjalani therapy yang lagi satu which is, partying. much, much better because i get to meet new people, get new friends. partying at small secluded places yang mengelakkan pertembungan perasaan sakit hati. mereka yang laugh with me at those parties tidak tahu betapa bermaknanya for them to just be there. aku rasa macam mereka semua ada satu force yang protect aku dari perasaan-perasaan yang merosakkan mood aku. tapi dunia kecil, kan? somehow, she's found out my hiding place and now trying to get friendly with my good vibe friends. before, i told myself i was just being paranoid with her turning up at places that i have never seen her hanging out at but now, i'm damn sure that she's trying to haunt me good. like, wtf lah, kan? kau sudah get sneaky with my past relationship and now you wanna get sneaky with my friends? tidak cukup apa yang kau sudah buat pada aku, bitch? aku rasa aku belum pernah kacau hidup kau lagi.

owh. wait.

mungkin she just got to know about her current boyfriend texting me up, telling me that he misses all those pretty nights with me? that currently i'm still the best ever?

elle kata, "bitch lawan dengan bitch je babe. kalau kau jadi baik, takde guna." hmmm...mungkin i should just lure him right where he wants to be. but then again, why worry, because at the end of the day, i'm just the best sex. nothing more. nothing less.

so, dear crop-top bitch, just leave me alone. fortunately, i believe deeply in karma jadi aku tidak mahu my future boyfriend to be doing the same thing to me nanti. tapi kalau kau mahu cari gaduh juga, bring it on!

prediction yang samar-samar

i have weird things on my mind when actually, at this age or stage of life i should be thinking about world domination. okay. tidak sebesar atau se-serius itu tapi at least i should be thinking about finding my passion and macam mana caranya untuk hidup in the future dengan senang-lenang. tapi satu perkara yang remeh ini yang kerap-kali bermain di fikiran aku. ditolak tepi, dia datang balik. sudah dibuang jauh, ada orang pulangkan.

these few days, aku fikir apa akan jadi pada aku, physically and mentally, kalau bekas kekasih got married. currently aku tidak boleh predict apa akan terjadi pada aku. i don't know why i should be thinking about this. cuma mungkin i'm preparing myself for the worst to come.

but i know one thing's for sure, if ever i get invited to his wedding in this near future, i won't be attending it. i can't. tidak mampu, mungkin.

nafsu boleh buat kau the most cruel person around

"you tak kisah ke if i have a girlfriend? you wouldn't mind if i still come and spend the night here?" in his grey boxer shorts, lying on the bed sideways dengan tangan kirinya menongkatkan kepala. jari di tangan kanannya bermain-main dengan jari manis si pendengar. she was staring at the clock on the wall, matanya mengekor gerak pusing jarum saat. dalam diam, dia mahu berhentikan saat itu. kalau boleh dibeli that moment, she would buy it. for keeps.

dia tarik nafas.

"i wouldn't mind. pasal aku sudah tidak ada hati. hanya nafsu," dia jawab sambil memandang melepasi jasad si penanya.

she added, "i don't mind being selfish for my own pleasure."

kembali aktif

pagi ini, driving back to pusat depression, aku rasa macam i just got back from a getaway yang sangat lama over the weekend. so much fun, so little time. friday night, i went to the place where you can find a wooden pony hanging out at the bar, a giraffe on the ceiling and green grasses menyelimuti dinding luarannya. selepas sekian lama aku lebih menikmati tidur pada jumaat malam, i decided that i've had enough already of friday night's sleeps. jadi aku pakai t-shirt kuning with marilyn stuck in between the chests dan rubber boots perisa koko, ready to party the night away. i met those familiar faces again, macam lama juga sudah tidak menyapa each other. mili and i were wondering where did all those pretty people come from. baik perempuan, mahupun lelaki. since currently i don't have anyone lingering in my head, mata aku macam melilau. semua pun hot. semua pun mahu. tidak salah sangat pasal i'm not attached pun. kan? though we left early, i'm glad i came for the party. i only had a glass of coke and by 2am, i was standing on the sofa, kadang-kadang balancing myself macam seorang surfer, kadang-kadang jadi kapten kapal berlayar di laut neverland. i forgot what got into me sampai aku ada courage to climb on that single sofa seat. mungkin the good music.

sabtu dan ahad, aku isi masa lapang with attending weddings, one on each day and raya openhouse on saturday night. siangnya di hari ahad, me, anne and a couple of other friends went up to janda baik for some bonding. though i didn't get enough sleep the previous two nights, amazingly, i was extra rajin to help around with the cooking and cleaning. so weird. pasal aku jenis yang kalau sleepy, jumpa katil empuk, memang confirm you won't see me walking around for i'll only be buried under the blanket, dozing off. prolly effects dari the good ions hanging around the river.

it was a good weekend. kind of an all out one. now i'm back in depression zone. maybe i shouldn't be having too much fun on weekends or i'll get more depress on weekdays, being stuck here. by the way, i still can't get that bad attitude dude i saw on friday night, out of my head. aku senang annoyed dengan orang yang berperangai irritating dan attitude yang teruk. tidak kisahlah kau cantik atau tidak. tapi kes kali ini, aku tidak pasti kenapa the image of him in that shirt with his folded sleeves keep popping in my head. i've got to brush him off. musykil juga tentang kuasa sihir yang mungkin dia practice.

si doktor gigi dan anak-anaknya

hari-hari aku pergi office dengan keadaan depress. aku pun tidak begitu clear kenapa. mungkin the job, mungkin the surroundings. semalam, ada dua orang kawan yang begitu bersemangat encouraging me to still stick to this line, cuma post yang berbeza. aku tidak tahu which part yang mereka nampak yang ada unsur-unsur membolehkan i do and can stay in this line. tapi aku suka jenis kawan yang suka encourage macam mereka. the kind yang sangat murah hati dengan sokongan. anyway, aku pun memang jenis yang senang percaya orang and i don't have any problem with trying. tapi copywriter? mungkin belum lagi. in my opinion, to be a copywriter, yang cikai-cikai pun, kau perlu smart dan pandai elaborate words. mungkin aku perlu buat kajian terlebih dahulu.

mili, she haven't been doing anything besides her weekend job at abah's friend's clinic since she's done with her studies. partied hard and waited until after eid to get her life working. a nice friend of hers offered a p.a. job to a local artist and how lucky, she got the job. without any experiences but i guess the people at the production label saw her potential. i was happy for her. but abah wasn't. he was raging mad about it. it was unfair. you can't just went away and leave the family and then come around so you can kononnya set things right. aku ada seorang abang dan seorang adik dan unfortunately, none of us grew up to be anything in the book. his book. i remember when i was in secondary school, he said, "you can be anything you want but not singers or performers. i won't have any nonsense of that." of course, sampai sekarang he doesn't know i had a band. aku sedih for mili's situation. semuanya sudah gone wrong. along, sejak dari aku kecil lagi, i can see his effort in trying to be the best brother. but lately macam banyak sangat perkara yang sudah got out of hands. he wants us to come to him for advice but he's always not answering whenever we really need help. sampai satu masa, aku sudah putus asa. dalam dunia ini, hanya kau seorang sahaja yang boleh tolong diri kau. no one else. i hate seeing my sister in tears because she always seemed less weak than i am. i look up to both my brother and my sister. jadi bila mereka collapse, aku jadi tidak tentu arah. abah was dissappointed that mili got the p.a. post to an artist, not to an oil & gas company. aku confuse kenapa along had to make that foolish lie. tanpa membincangkannya dengan mili. aku hanya mampu geleng kepala. aku beritahu mili yang lainkali kalau mahu menipu, come see me. i'm a better liar. seriously. both my siblings memang tidak pandai menipu. kan situation sudah jadi keruh. haih. post p.a. yang mili managed to grab, bagi aku adalah kerja halal. tidak teruk mana pun. semua kerja adalah kerja. mungkin ada terselit sedikit glamour dan social life yang hoo-haa but it's still a damn fucken job. kalau kau tidak buat kerja obviously there won't be any parties for you. even catwalk models pun perlu work their ass off. punca kenapa aku tidak berpeluang untuk take up fashion studies was because abah thinks fashion + wild social life blends so well together. aku sekarang buat graphic yang sangat membosankan tapi social life aku tidak ada beza (cuma tiada alkohol). sama saja. the problem is, we weren't brought up the way he wanted us to grow up to. tidak pernah ditanamkan dari kecil tentang apa yang mereka mahu kami jadi, bila dewasa nanti. sibuk dengan perasaan sendiri. sibuk dengan perang dingin. now you want to come and try to mend things right, mahu kami jadi decent people. kalau mahu pokok yang kau tanam tumbuh ke atas, awal-awal lagi kau perlu tanamkan sekali sebatang kayu supaya pokok itu boleh ikut aliran kayu itu. kalau pokok yang sudah besar tapi kau baru terfikir mahu ia tumbuh menegak, i wish you good luck. he could've at least let her do the one month probation. it's just not fair.

my brother's girlfriend, the one i'm not too keen about, ayahnya dari johor, emaknya, apparently dari negeri sembilan. raya ke-berapa, mili said, that along said, that abah told him not to marry negeri sembilan girls. wow. mak aku asalnya orang negeri sembilan. does this mean, from what abah said, that nobody should marry his daughters too? no wonder love life aku dan mili macam tidak ada ong. rupanya sudah disumpah awal-awal lagi.

duit raya RM1 mungkin bukti aku masih muda

pasal kalau sudah tua, i won't get any, at all, kan?

do i need to blab about this year's raya? tidak ada yang amazing pun pasal aku beraya dengan hanya rm50 dalam purse. to my nephews and nieces, i'm sorry i couldn't afford giving out duit raya but i bet you people enjoyed the fancy clothes that aunty mili and i gave. i wanted to stay for another week in seremban, tidak mahu pulang ke kota durjana pasal everyone knows aku jadi depress hanging around the office. tapi sangkaan aku meleset pada hari raya ke-empat pasal telinga aku sudah bingit dengan suara makcik-makcik yang nyaring, trying to win the conversation over one another. i needed my peace of mind, so by saturday i wanted to drive back to my box of tranquility (dengan baju, kasut, bag yang mengisi ruang-ruang available) plus somebody pancing aku for a smoke up session. tapi aku kuatkan hati untuk stay another day pasal aku sayang mak. 2 inci yang hilang around the hips waktu bulan puasa, aku rasa sudah datang menghinggap kembali dengan gembiranya. raya pertama dan kedua, we ate non-stop. i'm talking about heavy meals: lemang, rendang, gulai sardin dangan bachang, gulai kambing for both days, sambal kupang, tenggiri masak cili api, soto. 90% dari menu mengandungi santan. kau boleh kira sendiri jumlah fats dan kolestrol yang kami selamba redah. tapi gulai sardin akan aku simpan elok-elok dalam memori. sedap. aku mahu try that recipe. apart from travelling to kluang then johor bharu sehelai sepinggang, tidak ada apa-apa yang amazing lagi. cuma better than the previous years pasal i get to see both of my parents waktu raya.

now i'm ready to be invited to rumah terbuka aidilfitri. anyone?

perasaan curious

i shouldn't be blogging about my emotions anymore. it seems that i've been letting myself transparent to you readers. well, whoever you are. strangers, friends, enemies, frenemies.

but personally, i think that's what i write best about.

dan sampai saat ini, i'm still searching of the reason why. why everything happened. why, i've never thought that i can be this vulnerable. why i can forget about a lot of stuff but can't seem to forget about the shits. why i have to still remember every single details of the agenda. why am i THIS heartbroken.