a figure of speech

there was this one friday night at the usual club, al said to me: "if you decided to sleep with someone else, choose somebody from out of this durjana city." ha ha. what type of an advice is that? obviously, he was pissed at some ex who decided to fall for a very close friend of his. i pitied him, of course. i know the situation. what happened to me wasn't as close as that of a friend, but close. this durjana city is small. very small. everyone seems to know everyone. "owh. dia ni budak kolej aku." or "dia ni ex-girlfriend kawan aku." or yang paling best "dia ni bukan adik artis terkenal tanahair ke?" macam-macam. as al advised me, the image of boatman came rushing to my head. he wasn't good looking but he was cool as he rowed the shikara. i wonder what went wrong because his emails are currently major turn-offs. then, on that same night i met a guy who's a friend of a friend. we've met before at the audition anne & i went. that night speed came up to me & said hi. we hung out, he got drunk & was blabbering about the dj who refused to spin his request. he was cute. apparently, he's a friend of SDN's blogger. i remember reading his name somewhere in the blog & when i asked him whether he knew SDN guy, he said, "do you want to talk to him?i can call him for you." i refused his offer because yes, i get turned on by reading his blog but that's all. since then, vans & i have been changing ideas through text messages on the phone. he kills my boredom. there's nothing really interesting about texting 'heart at the moment because i found out he's been doing something that he accused me of doing before. i've realized that nothing's ever gonna change. not in the near future. so i hugged elm, who's my personal healer, which made me feel good. van, in the other hand, is my revenge towards 'heart. sad but true. weirdly, i didn't blew out on him as i got to know about his current late night conversation with a girl. he used to say, "itu hal peribadi i." well, guess what? it turns out that i too, have a hal peribadi of my own. 'heart said before any arguments, fights or any misunderstandings happen, let's get married. i replied, "what makes you think by marriage, shits won't happen?" last night, i told him i got tired of saying the same thing over and over again that i feel numb now. sometimes, as i say out the three loving words, i couldn't feel anything. just a figure of speech. i don't have the feel of longing for his touch, missing him like the desert miss the rain, bagai si pungguk rindukan bulan. i don't even have the feeling of sharing everything with him anymore, i'd rather have my friends listen to my emotions instead.