fill me up

big hair, big hips, big ass, big boobs. big heart but no love.

i know you can't read minds. me too. but i can't be telling you about every little thing.

sayang sayang alahai seribu kali sayang

sayangnya bila peluang itu berada right under your nose, kau boleh baunya tapi kau saja ignore. sayang sangat. tidak rasa rugikah?

wait. soalan itu sebenarnya patut ditujukan pada aku sendiri.

like mother, like daughter

sad isn't it when you weren't invited to your mom's birthday party. i wonder where it went wrong. pucuk pangkalnya kenapa hari ini adalah hari ini.

mak hanya akan call me up to find Mili or Along. does that make me a bad daughter?
i do feel bad that things turned out the way it did. but it couldn't be my fault all the way, could it?

to the ones

to the one that got away, i wish i didn't have to choose. i'll miss the shower of attentions.

to the one that was given too many chances yet still fail, please return that tiny piece of my heart hidden somewhere in your messy wavy hair. owh? not in your hair? well, find it nonetheless because it's important for me to have the whole piece again.

to the one that i chose, bear with me. or bare. tee-hee.

un-anarchy

aku rindu header senandung konspirasi yang dulu. perempuan nude sitting on the words, disuluh cahaya from no where. i'm not sure why i designed it that way. it was just because i like it.

relationship and all those ships, it's tiring isn't it? sometimes i believe that i am truly madly deeply in love. but the next minute i question whether is this how it's supposed to feel like, love?

imperfection is perfection.

it's not common sense, it's the society.

ayat-ayat yang kau create just to make yourself feel better walhal it's just a lie. manusia semuanya ada unsur aesthetic. age is just a number tapi at the end of the day, it does matter. so does sizes. and here, way above the rabbit hole, people do judge a book by it's cover.

we're always shaking in our slumber

the day will come again when this blog goes public. it belongs to me so i can do whatever i want. besides, i don't have fanatic readers for me to mind.

i told a friend that i scored a virgin guy. actually, there's no such thing as virgin guys. just inexperienced.

come let mommy teach you a lesson or two. or, not.

hari-hari aku cerita pasal doubts. bila mahu habis? he said he loves me too much that it sort of broke his heart when i blurted out the ugly truth. in the first place, i've already reminded him of my skeletons hidden in the closet.

i said, "if it bothers you too much, leave now before i love you whole heartedly."

what an arrogant statement. if he really is leaving, there's a high possibility of me shedding a few tears. am i now in love?

3-fold utopian dream

lately aku macam banyak sangat rindu. kemas-kemas drawer pejabat jumpa printed pictures. obviously, pictures are those happy moment we managed to capture. kala tidak happy pun, buat-buat happy. well, bukannya aku mahu cakap currently i'm not happy cuma back then, responsibilities tidak banyak macam sekarang. tidak semak sangat.

mungkin aku agak tertekan sedikit with both of my girlfriends getting married. tidak ada kena-mengena sangat, tidak ada point pun nak bring this up. saja suka-suka since tidak sibuk di pejabat.

one of the things that i miss is posting entries on this blog. lately juga aku ada urge mahu delete this blog all the way. but then i started reading past entries. not bad. jadi in the end sayang mahu delete. i'm not that bright jadi bila aku buat sesuatu yang best, aku kena hargai habis-habisan pasal i don't know when that bright moment's gonna come again. kadang-kadang aku main tipu, copy entries yang aku suka and post it on Facebook. just a reminder yang sometimes i can write good shit. just good, tidak great pun.

owh look. i've typed a whole entry for today. yeay. tidak rindu lagi :)

hello mother leopard

the call tone stopped. at that far away end, a voice answered.

"hello..? are you heartbroken?"

a muffled reply.

"i'm sorry. is the damage big? i assume it's just a small crack, no? i'm sorry too i can't be the one to mend it though i wish i am the person to do so. but i just couldn't bring myself to it."

silence on the other end.

"but it will heal. i've been through this. took me a few hours, days, months, but i managed. besides, you've got that ego of yours. that will mend it alright."

click.

bizarre love triangle

lebih kuranglah.

awal-awal, aku cakap (konon dengan penuh confident) yang aku rasa aku sudah ada quite an amount of expriences dalam hal perasaan. jadi hati macam jadi batu sikit. mungkin takut commitment. well, kau kata kau faham. dan kau juga yang boldly made a statement yang kau tidak pernah patah hati. aku pula, telan saja bulat-bulat statement kau itu. decided that it'll make things easier.

tapi sekarang bila kau berseloroh pasal konon tergila-gilakan aku dan sort of patah hati, apa cerita? next time, kalau bawah pengaruh alkohol, please don't text me up. serba salah, okay? serba salah.

dan bucu lagi satu, you're driving me crazy! plan aku hanya mahu cuba sekali, i seriously didn't see the current situation coming. aku jadikan kau my hiding place bila aku sudah mula freak out nampak awan dalam bentuk C-O-M-M-I-T-M-E-N-T berarak ke arah aku. sweet that you're trying to be nice and all (ketara nampak kau macam really trying) but do you like me because you know about my past? wait. in the first place, do you actually like me back?

apa benda semua ini, aku tidak mengerti. macam leceh, now i feel like getting out of the triangle. fair and square, kan? so sekarang memang aku tidak berhati perut ke?

fuck it. i should just enjoy the date tomorrow. torture kau habis-habis. while it lasts, huh?

look pretty young but i'm just back dated

itu hari, i told a friend, "i nak lelaki yang tak banyak cakap tapi passionate." he said, "susah tu." well, not that i already know that.

dulu, aku suka main kejar-kejar. i was attracted to less loud guys pasal konon layan misteri dia, layan perasaan curious aku. bila curious dan aku siasat parts yang kononnya misteri, i found faults. bukan statement bongkak tapi bila the other party bagi positive respond, i freaked out then blah senyap-senyap.

rupanya, hingga ke hari ini that same perangai masih linger inside of me. err...is that me being fussy/choosy?

some holy shit karma's gonna get me one of these days.

like an electric eel

pagi tadi aku cerita dengan Mili pasal mimpi aku malam tadi. ada scene di mana aku mahu mandi but the shower area berada di tengah-tengah kedai makan yang agak sarat dengan customers.

then, Mili said, "kan Mili dah cakap, you have the fetish of being naked in front of a crowd! dah banyak kali mimpi macam tu, kan???"

now i'm doubting myself.

siri mimpi: don't give up on the dream

mimpi ini aku ingat, tahun lepas. i was standing behind a big crowd in the middle of a field. it was a familiar place; KL PAC di Sentul. ada lagu blaring from some giant speakers. it was a really big crowd but somehow i got through it. ada juga muka-muka yang tidak puas hati tapi aku tolak tepi pasal sewaktu aku berlari ke depan, hati aku macam berdebar-debar. then, i got to the front of the stage. atas stage, ada Placebo. terus aku menangis and i shouted, "kenapa takde orang bagitau aku Placebo datang KL???!!!"

thanks Fat Boys kerana bakal merealisasikan mimpi aku. i'll figure out a way to get to Molko, get his hands and kiss it. I.DON'T.CARE.