paranoia on alcohol

parti malam semalam, aku tiba lewat. hujung-hujung, waktu semua sudah wasted, waktu botol-botol hijau berkecai di tepi pavement.

i was yelled at, "where were you?! you're always fashionably late!" tapi waktu itu the music wasn't so loud and i stood in front of her. kisses on my cheeks, dengan alasan esok dia kerja, the model look-a-like went home. wasted. tidak hairan sangat pasal dia memang selalu wasted. i walked freely around the club knowing bekas kekasih had already left the place. ya, salah satu sebab kenapa aku tiba lewat was because i was contemplating of going to that launching event. kawan-kawan aku cakap i shouldn't be thinking too much about it and just go and have fun. you see, i wasn't personally invited. he didn't text me up or email or invited me through facebook. he invited 'semua' jadi aku tidak pasti sama ada aku tergolong dalam 'semua' atau tidak. tapi pasal kawan-kawan aku yang lain actually called me up, on a wednesday night asking what time i was supposed to arrive at the venue, i shrugged, pinjam baju housemate and drove through the rain for something yang aku tidak tahu ending-nya akan jadi macam mana.

ending-nya, i hung out with a couple of guys from back in the days. bukan the usual crowd jadi aku tidak bosan sangat. melayan perangai-perangai yang aku senangi. walaupun dalam keadaan mabuk. mereka yang aku tidak was-was sangat. and then came the truth. satu per-satu.

"i'm into girls AND boys."

"i slept with a girl and now she's pregnant. how do i handle this? my girlfriend would kill me if she finds out about it!!!"

"kau suka dia? dia ada girlfriend la."

okay. that last part buat mulut aku ternganga, buat aku rasa macam orang bodoh. of course! that's why he never actually shared anything with me. pasal itulah, alasan yang dia pakai was, "panjanglah cerita dia and malas nak cerita." you went missing, no calls, no messages and you even passed my number to some random guy (okay. his friend that i met once) and then you popped out from nowhere acting as if nothing happened. dan aku pun tidak pasti sama ada i'm just plain stupid atau naive atau total moron.

malam semalam, adalah sebab kenapa i don't involve myself with alcohol. bila kau mabuk, you tell the truth. aku ada terlalu banyak dark secrets yang terlalu bahaya untuk diluahkan jadi aku tidak percayakan diri aku sendiri. even dalam keadaan sober pun aku boleh buat perkara merepek, apatah lagi dalam keadaan mabuk. bila kau mabuk dan rasa horny, you can just find anyone who's horny too and get it over and done with. perkara-perkara yang kau buat di luar kawalan minda normal. it's fun pasal kau tidak perlu fikir pasal aftermath tapi bila kau bangun the next day, good luck.

jadi kalau aku pergi parties, tidak minum, aku buat apa? aku hisap rokok, minum coke dan tengok gelagat manusia. kalau ada lagu yang aku suka, i join the dancefloor. i can just sit and watch other people have fun and not get drunk and that actually eases me up.

tapi kalau ada joint, aku tidak tolak.