how we long for a life as a slave

Al cakap, "kau ni, sebenarnya, takut kehilangan."

siapa tidak takut bila both of your closest girlfriends are getting married next year? when i read the text message Anne sent me, tiba-tiba aku rasa gelisah dan waktu aku jumpa Al di gerai makan, i couldn't hold back the tears. eek. sudah besar pun mahu menangis in public places. the thing is, not that i too wanna get married it's just the idea of that person yang kau selalu hold on to, akan berubah into someone else. bull shit-lah kalau mereka cakap they'll stay the same. yes, i have party friends tapi aku jenis yang agak susah untuk get intimate. bila aku rasa susah hati, aku akan cari tiga orang; Elle, Anne dan Al. kalau semua sudah busy dengan spouse masing-masing, aku mahu cari siapa to cry my whole heart out to?

so i told them about Vans last night. Al macam serba-salah giving me suggestions about it. Anne tried to sooth me down. all i wanted was for us to talk about it. pasal aku rasa when the topic is about me, aku rasa macam ada orang yang masih kisah pasal aku. i didn't really care what they had to say, i just needed a conversation. and i told him how i was a bitch (i'm not sure if i am still one) dan kenapa aku rasa gelisah about things. really, it wasn't actually a big deal when Vans said he's gonna stay single forever tapi mungkin with that statement, it will never work between the two of us. it exhausted Al and Anne when i didn't know what i wanted actually. kemudian, Anne's boyfriend mencelah, inserting solution yang paling clear which is, if you enjoy the idea, why not? dia cakap, "enjoy it while it lasts la and bila you dah bosan, leave him." funny how we sometimes know the fact all along tapi saja mengada-ngada mahu orang lain point it out. so yeah, i've decided to hold on to Peter's words. dan brush off perasaan vulnerable.

juga nasib menyebelahi aku that currently my phoneline's barred.

owh. owh. owh. how dare i forget the one who wouldn't mind listening and talk about things with me yang buat masa sekarang aku boleh percaya pada dia that she won't go away, leave me dan buat aku rasa kehilangan. i should do the session more with her because i guess, we're both still learning about things.