Trendy for the fun of it so let's make fun of it

Hidup kita tidaklah sesusah mana, mahupun senang. And life is not unfair, it's actually fair pasal kalau selalu sangat di atas roda, nanti lupa daratan lalu jadi angkuh kemudian memakan diri sendiri. Aku kira, hidup di kota memang agak susah, to catch with everything around us. Eventhough the escalator here in kota durjana tidak sepantas di kota singa, but still, pembangunan berkejaran sesama sendiri. Termasuk individu yang terlibat dalam sistem harian kota durjana. Each of us racing to grab our identities. Siapa yang dulu, siapa yang tiru. How everyone avoided to be everyone else but at the end of the day they became the majority.

Anne datang singgah makan late Italian lunch. We had a conversation about kids hanging out at Pavillion, trends and hipsters. Weird, but i always cringe at the word 'hipster'. Probably because i'm one or maybe not. Dan aku selalu pity mereka yang di gelar hipsters pasal you can't help it, really. Mungkin perkara yang sama terjadi 20-30 years ago but i really don't know. Should google up facts or wiki things up but i'm just too lazy. Aku cuma mahu type apa yang aku rasa tanpa dipengaruhi oleh anasir or M. Nasir, whichever.

Okay. I think i have an issue with tumblr. People reposting stuff from other peopl who repost stuff from other people too. Aku selalu pening mahu cari the real source, but what the heck, in this century, nothing's original anymore. Terlalu banyak idea yang sudah disuarakan, didebatkan. Sorry, aku macam annoyed sikit tapi sukahatilah kau mahu tumblr ke, blogspot ke, wordpress ke. Kalau passion kau memang yang itu, tidak perlu pedulikan orang lain. I'm just typing what i'm feeling at the moment. Hey, maybe in 2 years time i might have my own tumblr. Who knows? They say, "never say never".

Among my siblings, i decided that i'm the black sheep. Even Anne agreed that i'm the fucked up one. I don't really communicate with my parents (like how they don't communicate at all with each other) like i'm the only one who can't sit and have a chat with them even for a mere 10 minutes pasal kemudian aku senang restless. Sometimes, aku harap yang aku boleh jadi cermin for both of them. Sometimes, aku sedih memikirkan situasi aku yang macam terabai tapi selalunya aku cuba tolak tepi the fact that i came from a broken family. Masa muda (oh tidak, aku tidaklah setua mana pun sekarang) i always pictured a broken family is where the dad is a drunkard, mom always crying, they're always fighting, loud cries from the children, broken vases, you know, benda messy macam itu. Jadi i always told myself that we're not really a broken family. Tapi aku kira, for someone from a totally picture perfect family would feel sorry for me. perbandingan masing-masing lain (like how a friend totally tekankan bahawa aku seorang hipster dan socialite walhal aku rasa ada orang yang lebih layak to be labeled that).

Satu hari yang depress, i decided to get a longboard. I've always wanted to try it, so i say, "why not?". Funny, i'm more confident when standing alone, single. Oops, timing salah pasal apparently seorang lelaki Melayu forecast bahawa longboard will be the new fixie. Hmm..i can't say much to that pasal like what i said earlier, kita semua berlumba-lumba mahu look cool, feel cool. Mahu label siapa otai and the likes. Bahh, aku hanya mahu be good at balancing, paddling and being single.

I'm 27, broken hearted and just started taking up longboard. I am so having a mid-life crisis.

So, to get over depression, lebih baik main longboard dan jadi trendy atau end it all dengan suicide?

K untuk kerinduan, kesunyian dan hanya Okay.

I was shooting a scene in my new film, No Strings Attached, in which I say to Natalie Portman,

“If you miss me. you can’t text, you can’t email, you can’t post it on my Facebook wall. If you really miss me, you come and see me.” - Ashton Kutcher

Satu hari, a few months back, we were talking about dreams to be achieved by 30. perkara-perkara kenapa dan bagaimana. I remember after a friend voiced out an opinion, aku quote satu ayat dari buku yang aku sedang baca waktu itu, i think it was Sartre's The Age of Reason. Kemudian kawan aku tersengih sinis, katanya, "aku dah agak kau akan cakap something. why do we, humans have to quote others?" Hmm..got me thinking.

I have to say, aku memang seorang yang taksub quotes (movies/books). Cuma lately quotes tentang hope & love aku macam tidak gemar sangat. Bollocks. I guess we choose and stick to the quotes that express our feelings. Or maybe we let it decide for us. Okay, so that'll be my case because i'm always in denial like that. Dude, i totally stole that line from Grey's Anatomy and used it on someone dan outcome-nya sama dengan apa yang terjadi dalam that tv series; he didn't pick me.

my God, i lead a very funny life indeed.

But then i found this post, about Ashton Kutcher saying that maybe the person who invented mobile phone is a man indeed (lelaki paling malas mahu cakap telefon/reply sms, hadap whines dan drama jadi mereka lebih prefer text messages TAPI kalau depan mata, cepat betul mahu capai -_-"). Sooo true. I'm totally awed by this post, coming from Ashton Kutcher (never a fan of him).

After reading the article, guess what i did? I posted it on Facebook.

And then i went to see that very person i was missing so much. Wasn't a brilliant idea tapi aku rasa kalau aku tahan (*batuk kecil 'degil'), aku tidak akan puas hati. Macam ada hutang yang belum selesai, tak keruan. Walaupun masih ada tears tapi buat aku rasa life's not so bad after all. Though it's not forever (because nothing is forever; happiness, sadness) but it'll do for now. Once in a while, bila kau terlupa tentang ego, it can make you feel good. I know, i know, i've failed dalam mengeraskan hati. Memang aku tidak boleh jadi lelaki pasal aku selalu tidak sampai hati.

Teka-teki: masa berlalu dengan pantas; pejam-celik and you're an old fag. Tapi kenapa masa berlalu sangat perlahan dalam penantian?

Under cover, hide away

I find shelter, in this way.
Under cover, hide away.
Can you hear, when I say?
I have never felt this way.

Hello, have we met before? No, we are strangers.

While i was crying under the shower this morning, i heard Abah whistling outside, doing laundry, "somewhere..over the rainbow...". How random.

I wish to be that person who can loosen you up, make you laugh. I wish i am that person that you will find just so i can listen to your problems. I wish that you will remember me every night when you close your eyes to slumber and when you wake up every morning, it's my name that's stuck on the tip of your tongue. I wish you chased me back then when i went away, find me when i was nowhere to be found. I wish you tried. I wish we tried harder.

I wish i didn't ask you out in the first place. I wish you didn't want the relationship. For what it's worth, i wish i didn't know you at all if i knew how broken hearted i'd be to have fallen in love with you. Because feeling hurt sucks big time.

Yes i remember how we can't connect. That's why i chose to forget everything. It's nice that you wanna be friends, but that's not helping.

I'm setting myself on fire. The burning hurts but once it's done, i can just vacuum off the ashes.

Heartbreaks

Expect it. It's either you get broken hearted or you break someone's heart.

Angin sneaky

And I parked my car by the roadside, in front of Mili's primary school & cried for reasons unknown. Punca yang aku tidak pasti datang dari mana. Foolish.

Trak-tak-des

My current favourite video clip would be having me in it. Wearing your zebra t-shirt underneath that leather jacket & that pair of Frogskin running and running forward to nowhere. And while running i would be taking it off one by one, throwing it far, far away from my running path. At the end of the videoclip, cuba teka ada apa? Ada aku yang nude running into the sea dan bawah laut ada somebody willing to accept the naked me.

Beat lagu macam The National's Mistaken for Strangers. Banyak bunyi trak-tak-des (i don't know the specific name for it).

This is bad. I regretted approving your request again.

Tallulah

Last week i fell in like. Tak ke mana sangat pun. And then, a few days after that, i fell in love. Ahh..so we can't buy love. But we can always get something else. Nasihat aku, tidak perlu suicide ok?

Negaraku

Aku baca artikel pasal racism, how Malaysia now lebih banyak racism dari yang sebelumnya (selepas tragedi 1969). Pasal ramai intelektual yang berguna untuk kegunaan negara kita yang berhijrah ke luar negara. I don't think i am a racist tapi kadang-kadang aku naik menyampah dengan perangai kaum lain yang tinggal di sini. Boleh label pemikiran aku cetek but this is my opinion. Kepada mereka yang kerap tidak puas hati dengan hak bumiputera, i think you can go back to your country. Anne pernah cerita yang dia tanya kenapa hanya Melayu ada hak bumiputera but not the other races kepada abang iparnya. He answered because back then, yang berjuang untuk kemerdekaan adalah Melayu, while the other races were doing their other chores (mereka pun di bawa masuk untuk specific business reasons).

Siapalah aku untuk membincangkan tentang history Tanah melayu. But come on, give us a break. We don't have any other country that we can call our own.

Myth busters, answer me!

Betul ke myth tentang 'love at first sight'? Aku rasa macam betul pasal mungkin aku pernah melaluinya. Head over feet on someone tapi kau tidak tahu why exactly. Or kau tahu dia bad news tapi kau still mahu.

I think i've fallen in like. Which is sort of harmless, kan?

Masquerade

Sekarang aku sedang tunggu diherdik oleh Abah pasal sudah seminggu aku keluar lewat malam, pulang sejam sebelum subuh. And still work the next day (for chinese new year, i worked both Thursday and Friday). Semalam aku drained out, i felt like wanting to close my eyes for the whole day jadi aku macam tidak sabar mahu pulang and doze off. Instead, i couldn't sleep that well, woke up and drove to Bandar Utama. Seperti biasa, sampai rumah lebih kurang sejam sebelum subuh. Even while typing this out, rasa macam ada benda melepak atas kelopak mata. Well i guess this how you avoid loneliness. You force your body sampai lencun, kemudian tidur. No time untuk fikir perkara-perkara yang menyedihkan. Tiada siapa yang suka manusia pathetic. Aku pun tidak suka. Sometimes aku tidak begitu menyukai diri sendiri. Haih.

Aku rasa bahagia ada ruang untuk diri aku sendiri di sini where nobody knows that i am a pathetic person (except for some ghost readers lah). If i attended that Alter-ego party last week, i would've come as an emo kid with smudged eyeliner. Hmm..best juga kalau aku dress up that saturday night. Tidak mengapa. This is kota durjana, there will be a lot more theme parties coming up. Confirmed.

perang dingin, lelaki, perempuan dan in between

Comparing is never a good thing. Tapi aku rasa untuk tahu nilai kau, perbandingan memang perlu. Semalam Mili graduated from her training. So i brought Mak and Along was supposed to come with Abah but he was busy so Abah came alone. My parents, i didn't really know what happened between them. Yang aku ingat cuma they stopped talking to each other more than 10 years ago. Perang dingin, simpulan bahasanya. It was awkward sitting in the middle of them yesterday, campur lagi aku memang tidak pandai make conversation. Mungkin jangkamasa aku tinggal sendiri dulu buat aku rasa asing dengan mereka or there's just something weird about me. But they managed to act cooly dan Mak menang dengan perangai selambanya, taking her teh tarik and sitting at the same table as Abah. Jadi aku reward dia dengan menyinggah ke Sungai Buloh so she can get her potted plant untuk memenuhkan lagi mini balkoni at her apartment.

Aku pernah cakap pada Mili,"with our parents like this, how are we supposed to get married?" She just nodded and shrugged.

Getting married. Penting sangat ke? Aku jadi bosan bila sekarang goal masing-masing is to find the right guy yang tidak akan cheat behind your back, break your heart or kahwin lagi satu. Lelaki memang Tuhan buat dia macam itu, perempuan sebagai salah satu passion-nya. Betapa sayangnya dia pada kau, kau cuma perlu cekal hati, make-believe yang hanya kau seorang yang paling penting dalam hidupnya.

But easier said than done. Kita manusia, bukan kasut atau basikal.

Aku mahu cerita tentang bagaimana aku rasa terabai dibandingkan dengan siblings aku yang lain. But i don't think i should add on another sad pathetic story. Pasal esok tahun baru cina. I wish i'm a drinker so i can drink all the free alcohol and be jolly sambil wash away memories yang tidak enak. Despite how the magnets doesn't connect, i wish you wanted me to stay.

Dan sometimes aku mahu jerit sekuat-kuat hati, sekuat-kuat hatred,"DARI MANA DATANGNYA SEMUA EGO INI PASAL AKU MACAM SANGAT TERSEKSA!"