second chances

for lunch today, pizzas were served in celebration of the boss's 60th birthday. tapi tiada gunanya pun makan banyak sebab akan terkeluar juga nanti. owh. sudah keluar pun. since last week, the purging and vomiting came back to haunt. dan aku paranoid untuk tidur. because every morning at 3am-4am, i'll wake up with everything rushing back to my head causing emotional breakdowns. weekend, i forced myself to stay awake until the break of dawn so that i'll be very tired, sleep and only wake up when the sun's come up. friday, aku macam hilang akal. mundar-mandir tanpa arah tujuan. mahu tidur and forget everything but was too paranoid waking up alone in the middle of the night and cry for something that i should have stopped long time ago. pictures are manipulatives but they tell 1001 stories. when i saw those pictures, rasa macam ada satu kuasa yang menikam dan menoreh aku dari belakang. i shouldn't have, should i? pasal aku tahu sebenarnya mulut saja yang bicara kuat tapi bukan hati dan rohani aku. maybe what i found out are the amended things. like how i said to him. what happened to us couldn't be amended anymore. instead we mend them with the next chapter, different beings. a real fresh start. aku fikir tentang yang lepas-lepas. aku terima bila karma bersuara, "nah. sekarang giliran kau pula. we both know that you've been waiting for this." the conversation with anne last night was refreshing. "he was your first real relationship. the first try selalunya ada silap. the second one, you can be better because now you know the route. and this time, if it goes wrong again, maybe there must be something wrong with you." of course, it takes two to tango.