the worst in me

you know, aku selalu sunyi. when i told elle that i don't know how to mingle around, she rolled her eyes. tapi hakikatnya memang betul. everyday, i make believe that i have the confidence of facing the days ahead but inside, the glass is not even half-full. most of the time, i wouldn't mind being alone. and another most of the time, aku jadi gila just being alone. things, craps kept playing in my head, provoking with my own emotions. lately, i felt invisible. dari dulu lagi, walaupun nampak macam i have a big circle of friends, i'm always the one left behind. though i'm loud, outgoing sometimes, but really people, you don't know what goes on behind this closed door.
the other night, john.j said that it'll be unfair for me to be with him. ada sedikit hampa dengan statement itu tapi it didn't really bother me. sebab dua, tiga hari kemudian, as i thought about what he said and the happenings around me, i decided that instead of unfair for me, it's actually unfair for him to be with me. currently, i'm not in a good state to jump to another relationship. pelbagai hutang yang belum selesai. last night, i realized i can't handle jealousy quite well. i hate jealousy because it could drive me mad, brings out the worst in me. dan tempiasnya sudah tentu akan terkena pada mereka yang berdekatan. yang buruk biar aku seorang tanggung. yang lain hanya perlu gembira, bukan susah hati kerana aku yang selfish ini. i don't want to burden those people i love. ya, pemikiran aku cetek macam ini. pemikiran aku bicara tentang kebahagiaan si teman, bukan gundah-gulana yang datangnya dari aku. buat apa mahu hidup semati dengan aku kalau susah yang perlu ditempuhi? that's why i left my previous relationship. at this moment i think i'll end up alone until i die because i'm no angel myself. i don't think i can bring pure happiness to my future partner/s.


minggu lepas, aku pathetic.



semalam, aku rasa john. j hot. gila.





hari ini, aku sunyi.