we were young; mind & soul. i was naive. we accidentally met at a club and bumped into each other a month later. he was interested; i was someone's. we wanted to have fun. he wanted me. i secretly wanted him too. he was good looking, he still is now. very stylish with his good sense of street fashion. but he was on my never-to-date list. because of some previous encounters, i tend to judge his circle of friends. well, his friends were my friends way back when the twin towers were brand new. at that time, i believe that i was in love. i dropped the other subject to spend some good driving times with 'heart. he was sweet, attentive & childish. he spoiled me good. he was very conscious of my feelings towards him that after two years, he started to do stuff that he feared of the things i might do. macam curang. twice in a year i got cheated. i felt stupid. after the big break up, through an sms because he was too chickened out to say it to my face, i was lost. sleep was a major problem for me and my emotions were too distracted that i had eating disorder which made me look like a shrunken pear. pucat dan kecut. crying at night was like a routine and anger turned me to some unreasonable someone. at the mention of his name, my knees went wobbly and i was ready to drop & cry. i blamed myself for choosing this path, for not leaving the relationship when it was fresh & young and not deep & passionate. for ignoring the list i did myself in my head: to not mess around with his crowd. i was heartbroken. aku masih ingat rasa sakit itu; pedih, menikam, mengoyak. tapi aku degil. aku tahu, kedua-dua orang yang sayang aku, rasa macam nak tempeleng saja aku when i decided he was the best partner for me to drag along to bali. it was a last minute decision. some guy thatt i wasn't to keen on being my room mate or a guy that i've been sleeping with. i said:
"it's okay. i'm not expecting something big after the trip. kalau nak, nak lah. kalau tak, oh well."
we did it in the bathroom, we took nude pictures, we had the christmas lights chasing us at night & i had wings so that i can reach the turtles i saw in the night sky. i made 'heart miss what we used to have. which made him believe that he wanted to start over, another fresh new start. i, on the other hand thought it was not a good idea. but oh well, we should just give it a try, shouldn't we? he came back, longing for my touch but deep in his heart, was afraid if the reason i agreed was to get back at him. then why came back in the first place if you had that rooted in your mind? but i said to myself: "if he's here, on his knees, he should be willing to change. he wouldn't mind sharing his friends like i shared mine." right. dia buat lagi. dah sekarang ni, siapa yang bermasalah? aku ke? ke aku masih tak faham yang lelaki sememangnya akan berperangai begitu? he said he didn't like some messages from some guy friends so i stopped contacting them out of the reason i was tired of arguments maybe i should just try to be a good partner. but as the question asked before: what good is a relationship when there's revenge & zip.zero.nada trust? i am not sure of my feelings anymore. sayang? memang sayang. cinta...? cemburu masih ada. tapi bila ditanya akan perasaan, aku masih serba salah atau mengambil masa untuk menjawab. memang kehilangan dan perubahan adalah antara benda-benda yang aku tak suka. but has the time to change arrived for me?
Tiada ulasan:
Catat Ulasan