hati dia yang melukis, hati aku yang menangis

"close your eyes."
he took my left hand gently and guided me between white walls to an open space.
"okay."


bright colours, painting as tall as an express bus, stood in front of me. i turned to him and said "spare me the details of this mural." ada nombor, ada rumah, ada daisy, ada mimpi, ada curiga, ada perasaan. i was speechless as my eyes darted from a detail to another. last night, time was on my side to just sit and stare at john's artwork. earlier i asked if i can come and have a look before the launching day because i know i'll feel uneasy staring at the painting with the place filled with unfamiliar people. tiba-tiba ada satu macam perasaan develop dalam diri. macam sebak tapi bukan. hati aku bisik "jangan keluar. not now." to be thinking a guy climbed a ladder to paint you, is awesome enough. macam ada ribut kecil dalam badan. i'm not good in giving comments since most of the time i like things the way they are. he asked if i wanted to add anything but i said it's his artwork, everything on the wall should just come from him. from his point of view. just like this blog of mine, everything from my personal point of view. before i drove home, we had a quick chat about us. there was something john said that made me stare up at the lamp post in front of us. cahaya yang samar-samar antara dahan pokok-pokok di bahu jalan yang menjadi saksi kepada celoteh kami sejak beberapa hari yang lalu. mata aku developed a thin layer of glass. i didn't dare look down, takut kaca-kaca halus itu pecah and cause a scene. but as i drove away, lighting up a cigarette, angin yang masuk melalui tingkap menerjah, memecahkan kaca-kaca itu. and as i'm typing these words, i still haven't found what made those small tears berani keluar.

maybe it was john's painting.
maybe those hidden feelings i had folded neatly inside.
maybe because aku terlalu sayang pada dia.
maybe the thought of this wonderful feeling might end one fine day.
maybe how we've given up on mending things.

alah. mungkin habuk kot.