of pills and stills

funny. the girl who took too much substances when she was a teenager made up some good hot stories about me last saturday night. sangat lucu. i think she's too delusional to differentiate between earth & space. it was something about someone telling her that i have a crush on a certain someone she's currently very into. the guy, he's funny like weirdly funny and i find it amusing yang dia pelat everytime pronouncing the letter 'R'. comel lah. setakat itu sahaja. rupanya, the reason too-much-substance girl didn't talk to me for the night and gave me killer glares was because she was jealous i was busy chatting with the pelat-R guy. so she made up stories about me having a crush on him.

she said, "i don't want to hate people anymore, but i really hate people who betrays me."
i totally agreed by saying, "yeah. like, nobody would like other people to betray them. me too."
tapi sebenarnya she was talking about me. haha. well, aku tidak bersalah jadi no need for me to terasa pedasnya. apparently every other people knew her delusional condition so they just told me to forget about it. no problem. mungkin dia agak bengang juga the fact that me and john.j were kind of dating each other back then, exactly after they dated each other. but seriously, me? a threat? come on!

these past few days aku ada sesuatu perkara unhealthy berlegar-legar inside my head. mungkin permainan hormon. only lastnight i felt so lonely that i called ben up and asked him to jog with me. and he did (i knew he would say yes because though he smokes a lot, he's kind of like, 70% health freak. i think). itu hari aku beritahu mili, "i've got a feeling if, if, IF we get back together, maybe i'd be a more chilled girlfriend, you know? since now that i know him inside-out." she kind of agreed tapi sempat add in, "but it's not a good idea." everytime i see him, everytime i feel his presence near me, ada satu macam feeling yang wrap itself around my body which drains out my happy soul. macam makhluk misteri dalam cerita harry potter. while driving, aku selalu dihantui oleh kenari hitam. automatically, badan aku akan jadi stiff dan bernafas dengan berhati-hati, takut ada orang dengar. gila.

honestly, i'm still here. still thinking about what went wrong. still thinking about him. and mood party aku sudah mula draining out.
need. to. find. other. legal. substance.