that evening, i cried when mili said that harsh IS my reality. i cried until the next day. i felt so alone and hurt. tapi memang itu yang aku perlukan. a slap in the face. lewat malam itu, aku macam mengadu, aku macam mahu get involve semula dengan what has got me irrational for sometime. lepas satu sesi menangis, aku tarik sebatang rokok, bakar, inhale-exhale kemudian flashbacks perkara-perkara dalam kepala dan sambung menangis.
owh. how pathetic. how very pathetic of me.
and all mili was interested in how it was embarassing for the other party to actually know that i was rotting inside. we look alike sometimes, even talk in the same sing-song style. tapi pendirian aku dan dia berbeza. i mean, there's nothing wrong with saying out what you want, right? even if you know that you won't have it in a million years but in the end, at least you can say to yourself, "oh well. i've tried."
aku juga tidak menyesal menyuarakan apa yang terpendam pada that bitch. i don't know why she had the nerve of asking me how i was doing and feeling guilty about the situation. tidak perlu ada guilt kalau kau rasa yang kau tidak bersalah dari awal lagi. tidak perlu juga jadi nice when you know that what you did will rot me more. mahu cuba jadi seorang yang prihatin? bukan pada aku.
last night, setelah beberapa kali attempt to finish up the whole movie, i managed to stay up until the credits for United States of Leland came out. he said, "you can't make things that happened, unhappen."
aku ini masih in a state where i can't think logically. for the meantime, i should just agree to that line from the movie.
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