because i'm an asshole too

or assholes are for bitchy-males, so i guess i'm a bitch?

hey, listen.

do you remember that time when you said that he told you the reason why he left me broken some years ago was because i didn't give him enough attention? konon macam kurang kasih sayang. so it was, to you, i was the one to be blame. this is what i still remember of that situation. he said, "i just don't feel like having a girlfriend at the moment." after two years and a few months, he used that excuse to leave me. but you didn't know that, do you? to you he's the rainbow after the rain.

a few times, when you were busy telling the whole world about your unconditional love for him, he was at my place. mungkinkah kerana dia tidak mendapat attention yang cukup dari kau?

i hate to break this up to you because i know you're so friggin' in love with him. but he's not all goody-goody like that. dia adalah jenis lelaki, yang kebanyakan perempuan akan snorts, cakap, "typical..." kemudian yawn.

and i think he's worse than before. jadi kau memang perlu kuatkan lagi rasa cinta kau, jadikan rasa cinta a shield untuk kau kuatkan diri kau. because i know you don't need another cheating, manipulative boyfriend like him. kalau kau rasa you solely deserve a guy like that (because that was how you stole the relationship), then kau memang kena pegang kuat pada trust. tolak tepi hunches and shits.

siri mimpi: kereta Ford lama di Batu Pahat

padanlah sesat.

we were in the car; i was sitting at the co-driver's seat. Mat yang menggilai Supra(1), was driving. Mili and another girl, who kept silent the whole journey was sitting behind. surroundings di luar kereta mengingatkan aku kampung di Batu Pahat. jalan tanah merah. Monger sibuk menelefon on my mobile, suruh aku datang cepat to his booth. apparently ada some kind of bazaar. after a few turns, we found the bazaar. it something like Bijou Bazaar but the place macam rumah kampung yang ditinggalkan. the rest waited in the car when i tried to find Monger's booth.
on my way back to the car, ada lori jual tilam(2) parked at the entrance of the bazaar. i saw Mili macam sibuk-sibuk tengok bantal dan Mat macam sedang lovingly peluk bantal kekabu, said something about missing those type of pillows. i got annoyed with him acting like that so i shoo-ed them to the car. and then, standing by the car was the other girl with us. she was holding a vintage dress in front of her and when she saw me looking her way she asked, "okay tak?" i was weirded out pasal she was silent the whole journey and kind of looked like a snob. i just told her, "okay lah."
then all of us got into the car and that's when i realized Mat's Ford Cortina's windshield was painted in white. i was so shocked but i remember the look on Mat's face that time. he had his usual thick-black frame glasses with a really nerdy look on his face. it was a funny sight but i got angry and annoyed. i simply said, "jom lah naik kereta lain. macam mana nak tengok depan ni?!" jadi kami keluar kereta dan miraculously ada sebuah kereta, model yang sama cuma berwarna hitam (or was it orange?) parked in front of us. when we got in that car, the silent girl smirked and said, "tapi kereta ni takde radio."



(1) that night we went to The Curve and i was looking through some magazines and i kept thinking about what Mat said on the importance for me to get a signature style.

(2) rupanya ada lori jual tilam sedang lalu-lalang depan rumah.

and yeah, i'd love to own a classic Ford Cortina. or Mustang.

you're an asshole, but that's okay

you know what? maybe i am a hedonist.

walaupun aku boleh elak dari get involve dengan the same scene with the same people, but somehow macam ada kuasa magnetic yang menarik aku ke arah itu. kadang-kadang aku fikir maybe aku boleh own it all kalau aku, fight! fight! fight! for it. tapi buat apa mahu buang masa bila kesimpulannya sudah pun tertera. aku jenis yang percaya pada hunch and stuff.

orang cakap belum cuba, belum tahu.

iyalah, kalau cuba nanti, kalau ending-nya perkara yang buat susah hati saja, buat apa cuba in the first place.

iyalah, at least kau tahu yang kau sudah tidak perlu cuba lagi in the future.

this is frustrating.

sex with the ex

aku mahu beritahu kau. tolong jangan ambil remeh apa yang aku mahu beritahu. tolong dengar dengan terperinci. nano-inci.

ada hentakan atas meja.

you don't get to do this anymore. you don't get to just act cruelly kemudian bisik pada aku yang bukan niat kau berbuat begitu just because suddenly the image of a nude me pops up in your head. nude dengan hanya ada sehelai organza biru laut menari-nari mengelilingi aku seiring dengan hummings of the ocean. you don't get to look straight in my eyes and melt me down all over again. you don't get to steal glances, mengamati apa yang sudah berubah pada diri ku. you don't get to taste this lips yang buat kau hilang kawalan atas anggota badan kau yang kadang-kadang buat kau tidak keruan, yang kadang-kadang buat kau fikir sama ada you did the right decision or not.

pilihan ini sudah termaktub waktu aku curi those voting taglines dari Meredith Grey dan kau rasa aku cuma terlalu senang terpengaruh dengan benda-benda yang non-existence.

ada hentakan atas meja lagi.

ada helaan nafas yang keras, menunjukkan kuasa territory.

ada hempasan malas tubuh atas bangku kayu.

tapi aku tahu yang kau tahu yang kita semua tahu, aku masih vulnerable dan helaan nafas kuasa territory hilang ke udara bersama zarah-zarah yang lain, dibawa angin untuk mereka yang perlu pinjam sebentar kuasa itu.

alasan yang poisonous

itu hari aku borak dengan blogger kegilaan ramai. Mamat sibuk mahu tahu tentang perkembangan industri muzik tanah air. okay. more about the people involved in the industry. kenapa tidak mahu call saja dia? sudah tidak berkawan lagi kah?

and i asked him how the hell did he do it, got so far as where he is now. pasal seingat aku, he didn't take up the same course when he was studying back then. atau aku sudah silap info. Mamat beritahu aku yang aku perlu cari style aku jadi kalau ada clients yang mahu khidmat aku, they know what to get from me. dan di situ lah aku punya masalah besar. pasal aku memang tidak ada style tetap. aku buat sesuka hati, ikut mood. apparently, i don't even know what i want.

even blog aku. kalau antara kau yang ada masa untuk baca my previous entries, memang ada perubahan mendadak dari first fews kepada apa yang ada ini hari. link untuk blog ini juga pernah bertukar, kalau ada yang perasan tapi aku budget tidak ada sesiapa sangat yang perasan pasal tidak penting pun. kadang-kadang, hari Ahad, aku rasa mahu berpuitis. bila datang hari Isnin, aku mahu post entri yang marah-marah. hari Rabu pula tiba-tiba rasa macam mahu tulis fiksyen. hari Khamis aku rasa macam mahu post apa yang aku buat for the day, saja mahu kongsi cerita bosan dengan anonymous yang surfing the blogosfera. i don't have a specific trademark. macam mana mahu decide on your specific trademark? bukankah sepatutnya it comes naturally?

aku kira even kawan-kawan rapat aku pun tidak boleh decide trademark aku macam mana. okay. apart from my looks lah.

at this very moment, instead of posting an entry here, i should be brushing up my portfolio. tapi aku tidak tahu mahu mula di mana. ada orang pernah cakap pada aku, sesuatu perkara itu tidak akan berjaya kalau dikaburi dengan alasan which brings us back all the way to 'where there's a will, there's always a way'. kalau mahu, seribu daya; kalau tidak mahu, tidak payah buat apa-apa. cuma kemukakan alasan demi alasan.

always in the middle

it's friggin' stressful kalau your housemate who happens to be your colleague too tidak kamcheng dengan some of the colleagues di tempat kerja tapi kau kamcheng dengan mereka.

do you get me?

stressful okay. kenapalah aku selalu ditakdirkan berada dalam keadaan tersepit begini? masa di sekolah, aku berkawan rapat dengan dua musuh ketat. masa bercinta dulu, si kekasih tidak begitu berkenan dengan anne dan vice versa.

kenapaaa???

aku bukan hedonist mahupun man-eater

itu hari aku jawab quiz di Facebook. quiz itu cakap aku hedonist dan yang aku tidak percaya people comitting to me.

kawan aku cakap aku sepatutnya Gemini pasal most of her friends yang berbintang itu, either man-eater atau womanizer. sesukahati cakap aku man-eater.

dude, i was the one with the broken heart here.

sesukahati dia mahu percaya all those questionaires. plus those astrology craps too.

tapi jangan sesukahati libatkan aku sekali.

kalau boleh, minggu depan mahu repeat jadi selamba. kalau boleh.

ada salah seorang penduduk Klang Valley yang berkaki panjang cakap aku selamba. kebenaran di situ cuma 5%, mungkin. tapi last weekend, aku memang confident yang aku selamba.

pasal petang sabtu, aku bergolek-golek atas katil Mili, alone at home. ada a few hundreds in the bank tapi aku sudah muak dengan kota durjana. dalam kepala aku waktu itu, ada dacing: satu piring ada singapura, satu lagi ada pulau. aku cuba brushed it off dan ajak Elle pergi ke Pulau Pinang instead. dia cakap, "kau nikenapa? ada apa kat sana???". aku forwarded the same message to Mili dan dia balas, "ada apa kat Penang? kita pegi Perak la." aku terus terfikir tentang bijih timah dan perlukah kami melombongnya??? destinasi yang dia suggested macam lari konsep (well, she could've just said Taiping in the first place). kemudian aku text a friend who's already on the island (yang berada dalam salah satu piring dacing aku). aku tanya, "brapa ramai orang KL kat pulau tu?" pasal aku macam liat sikit kalau ramai orang yang ada possibilities aku kenal juga on that island. he said just 20%. masalahnya aku fail matematik jadi aku anggap macam sikit. kawan aku cakap cuaca waktu itu, panas dan i should be there too. di luar tingkap bilik Mili, hujan lebat. aku fikir, i've got a few monies, why not?

pukul 3.30 petang, aku capai kunci kereta dan memandu ke hentian bas. aku beli dua tiket bas, trip pukul 9.30 malam, destinasi: Kuala Besut.

sampai di jeti, aku beli tiket bas pulang, "kak, tiket balik KL kitorang belum beli lagi."
"okay. bila nak balik?"
"tiket esok malam ada?"
"hah?! esok kelik doh? sekejaknya datang."
apparently Mili had some dinner she had to attend on Tuesday evening so it'll be quite tiring for her if get the Tuesday morning trip back.

aku tidak beritahu akan kedatangan kami to the island. well, i did text him up tapi aku memang jangka yang dia ingat i wasn't serious about it. jadi bila aku jumpa dia dan my other ex-boyfriend di depan reception chalet, ada muka kagum pasted on their faces. sambil geleng kepala, Nabid tanya, "macam mana korang boleh sampai sini?"
"naik bas, naik bot."
"ni bila korang balik?"
"esok malam."
"PERGGHHH! baik takyah datang"
"hey! that's not nice! KL bosan, so why not?"

jadi, last weekend aku macam selamba. 1) tanpa berfikir panjang, aku lari ke pulau untuk one-night-stay. 2) salah seorang ex-boyfriend yang aku suka mahu elak dari bertembung ada di pulau yang sama.

tapi last weekend saja. lain hari, aku tidak selamba sangat.

still a long way to go; oh-so-many-sins

aku selalu ingat dia as the guy who was paired up with Erra Fazira to present an award and when he joked that he was the shoe in her Cinderella movie, Erra didn't get his joke. so the joke went to Erra instead. haha. again, aku tidak dapat mengelakkan diri dari attending the infamous thrash party di kelab artsy-fartsy in town. a girl with the cutest dimples said to me, "sarah was supposed to come tapi tak jadi last minute." owh. bummer. we'll bump into each other at the next party, okay? it's only April.

and then the four of us were seated di satu table with fancy chairs. aku dengan olive vintage dress, rasa macam Alice having her tea party. and then Lizzie asked Shoe to read my palm. dia ambil tangan kanan aku and put it in his left palm. he said, "owh! still a baby!" with a big grin. what? aku macam lost.

"apa benda ni? a baby???" i asked Mili.
"dia baca your jangka hayat. means you've got a long way to go."

now. am i supposed to be happy about that? so i said to Mili, "iyalah. means lagi banyak dosa la kot aku buat."

major annoyance

i have a habit of leaving stupid comments on other people's posts which at my age, macam social suicide jugalah.

dan kebiasaannya, perkara-perkara bodoh yang aku lakukan ada kena-mengena dengan perasaan suka. macam kalau aku suka kau, expect stupid actions from me. jadi forgive me kalau aku selalu berkelakuan foolish pasal, hey! aku suka kau lah.

paranoia on alcohol

parti malam semalam, aku tiba lewat. hujung-hujung, waktu semua sudah wasted, waktu botol-botol hijau berkecai di tepi pavement.

i was yelled at, "where were you?! you're always fashionably late!" tapi waktu itu the music wasn't so loud and i stood in front of her. kisses on my cheeks, dengan alasan esok dia kerja, the model look-a-like went home. wasted. tidak hairan sangat pasal dia memang selalu wasted. i walked freely around the club knowing bekas kekasih had already left the place. ya, salah satu sebab kenapa aku tiba lewat was because i was contemplating of going to that launching event. kawan-kawan aku cakap i shouldn't be thinking too much about it and just go and have fun. you see, i wasn't personally invited. he didn't text me up or email or invited me through facebook. he invited 'semua' jadi aku tidak pasti sama ada aku tergolong dalam 'semua' atau tidak. tapi pasal kawan-kawan aku yang lain actually called me up, on a wednesday night asking what time i was supposed to arrive at the venue, i shrugged, pinjam baju housemate and drove through the rain for something yang aku tidak tahu ending-nya akan jadi macam mana.

ending-nya, i hung out with a couple of guys from back in the days. bukan the usual crowd jadi aku tidak bosan sangat. melayan perangai-perangai yang aku senangi. walaupun dalam keadaan mabuk. mereka yang aku tidak was-was sangat. and then came the truth. satu per-satu.

"i'm into girls AND boys."

"i slept with a girl and now she's pregnant. how do i handle this? my girlfriend would kill me if she finds out about it!!!"

"kau suka dia? dia ada girlfriend la."

okay. that last part buat mulut aku ternganga, buat aku rasa macam orang bodoh. of course! that's why he never actually shared anything with me. pasal itulah, alasan yang dia pakai was, "panjanglah cerita dia and malas nak cerita." you went missing, no calls, no messages and you even passed my number to some random guy (okay. his friend that i met once) and then you popped out from nowhere acting as if nothing happened. dan aku pun tidak pasti sama ada i'm just plain stupid atau naive atau total moron.

malam semalam, adalah sebab kenapa i don't involve myself with alcohol. bila kau mabuk, you tell the truth. aku ada terlalu banyak dark secrets yang terlalu bahaya untuk diluahkan jadi aku tidak percayakan diri aku sendiri. even dalam keadaan sober pun aku boleh buat perkara merepek, apatah lagi dalam keadaan mabuk. bila kau mabuk dan rasa horny, you can just find anyone who's horny too and get it over and done with. perkara-perkara yang kau buat di luar kawalan minda normal. it's fun pasal kau tidak perlu fikir pasal aftermath tapi bila kau bangun the next day, good luck.

jadi kalau aku pergi parties, tidak minum, aku buat apa? aku hisap rokok, minum coke dan tengok gelagat manusia. kalau ada lagu yang aku suka, i join the dancefloor. i can just sit and watch other people have fun and not get drunk and that actually eases me up.

tapi kalau ada joint, aku tidak tolak.

jawapan yang aku beri berdasarkan satu kisah yang ustazah aku pernah cerita waktu sekolah rendah

i told her, tanpa berfikir panjang, "i'd die bitterly remembered. bila you mati, if orang masih mengumpat you, you're gonna get pahala. prolly you'll get an easier stay dalam kubur."

after saying that, aku macam tidak pasti if that was the right thing to say pasal aku sedang berbual dengan salah seorang Melayu yang berfikiran Barat dan hidup dengan cara Barat. she was once a housemate to a certain writer/poet yang bersuara lantang, yang tidak kisah sangat menyatakan pendapatnya walaupun subjek itu terlalu sensitif yang boleh invite guruh dan kemudian kilat. knowing that, aku macam sudah boleh agak cara pemikirannya dan her lifestyle.

well, aku pun ada juga living the West-lifestyle tapi aku masih percaya in God. if i don't believe in Him, i'd be a wreck.