guilty pleasures

berdiri di sisi tingkap bilik, menghembus asap rokok dan aku perhatikan dots of light di crossroads sana. aku intai pada tingkap-tingkap yang lain kalau ada mereka yang sedang memerhatikan dots of light yang sama. atau mungkin sedang mengintai aku yang sedang memerhati. si cina yang menggesel di pintu datang menyapa. cuma keluh saja yang aku balas. toleh ke luar, aku sambung pemerhatian. dalam kepala, ada a couple of neon shots moving around. i felt used. tapi perasaan itu tidak begitu kuat. pasal kita semua kan pengguna. semuanya friends with benefits. kalau aku rasa dipergunakan, aku pun ada mempergunakan juga. i felt numb but more like a bitch. ini ke rasa bitchy yang aku cuba ceritakan pada mili malam sebelumnya when she asked me why in the world did i do such a stupid and embarrassing thing. aku jawab, "saja. mahu rasa macam mana being a bitch." gatal. mahu play with fire padahal a coward. dalam kepala aku ada karma yang marah. yang threaten tentang future. aku teringat anne who warned me, said something about betting her life on karma and the karma will not only come back to me but also to my closests. kemudian aku bicara sendiri. what if aku adalah bad karma for that person? macam bukan kehendak aku but too bad, karma kau datang dalam bentuk perempuan voluptuous yang seductive. okay lah. sebenarnya aku mahu jadi jahat tapi takut pasal deep inside aku ini quite a sensible, nice person. the type yang kalau drive, safety belt mesti pakai, mahu belok kanan mesti beri signal, yang mahu beli kereta tapi tengok keselesaan back seat padahal aku hanya akan duduk di driver's seat most of the time. aih. these guilty conscience. esok dia hilang lah kan?
but yeah, i had fun on the roller coaster ride. tapi biasalah manusia, kalau benda fun, siapa yang tidak mahu lagi, lagi dan lagi? walaupun consequences-nya boleh buat tangan kau terbakar. isk.

four pots of gold

ini hari aku rasa macam lain sikit. macam ada angin salah tadi lalu. sakat-sakat lagi. jadi aku post gambar pelangi di jeti itu hari. kalau teliti betul-betul, ada double. kau pernah dengar tentang that pot of gold at the end of the rainbow? aku kira setiap hujung ada satu pot. ini kalau ada dua pelangi, kiranya dua darab dua lah, kan? jadi total pots of gold adalah empat. kayo den. by the way, siapa tahu agak-agaknya tengkujuh sudah sampai tioman tidak aidilfitri tahun ini? say, 3rd to 5th raya? i'd really like to know.

the wants ranting

i want a lot of things. i want to get real with my career. i want to work the things that i like most. i want to achieve something and be respected for what i work hard for. i want to do something exciting, that doesn’t bore the hell out of me. i want to be organized, to be punctual. i want to hold and fulfill the promises i uttered. i want to drop everything and travel the world. i want to be rich and get to do the things i want and need to do. i want to buy a house that i design myself. i want to do charity. i want this broken heart to mend. i want to fall in love. i want to believe that being single is fun. i want him to be nice all over again and paint about me. i want him to keep a nude portrait of me in his wallet. i want to be written. i want him to strum his guitar for me. i want my girlfriends to feel that i’m their best friend ever. i want to grow old with them close to me. i want to hug mak everyday without feeling awkward. i want to know what KLPHQ’s considering life is all about. i want to know why they named that song ‘of polaroids and stills’. i want to sing in a band again. i want to play the guitar or piano, write great tunes and sing it for someone important to me. i want him to be honest to me. i want him to realize that i am his fate. i want her to find out the truth and suffer. i want to tell abah about his mistakes. i want to tell my brother that i’m not into his current girlfriend. i want mili to stop mingling with the wrong type of people. i want to read books for someone. i want to go around sleeping with strangers but not to be called a slut. i want her boyfriend. i want her boyfriend to want me. i want to perform bondage. i want to get married on a secluded island with only my friends attending. i want to shoot my wedding photos underwater. i want to run across the tall grasses behind my workplace. i want to eat ice-cream whenever i’m feeling down, without getting fat. i want to be skinny and look good in anything i wear. i want to have smaller breasts so men would not just look at me and think about breast-fuck. i want to speak good English. i want to learn French. i want to be smart. i want to forget and at the same time stop forgetting. i want to focus when somebody is explaining things to me. i want to be beautiful, not pretty or gorgeous, but beautiful. i want to be good with colours. i want to satisfy everyone. i want to stop daydreaming and get real. i want people to take me seriously. i want to stay young and free forever. i want to snort coke and feel sexy about it. i want to drink up alcohol and spark up conversations without worrying too much. i want to do right with my religion. i want good fortunes. i want God to know that i’m afraid of dooms day and death. i want to fight being mellow and pathetic. i want to get rid of the walls around me. I want to throw away my ego. i want to be nice. i want to talk bad things about her. i want her to know of our late night conversations. i want her bad karma to kick hard on her head. i want to stop this jealousy. i want to post general entries on my blog. i want to cook delicious meals for my loved ones. i want to shop everyday; shoes, clothes, bags, furniture. i want to clear my debts and stop worrying. i want to remember every morning to appreciate this simple kind of life i’m living everyday. i want the war to stop. i want to turn back the time and mend all the shits that happened. i want to stop being sarcastic. i want to know which way to go. i want to know what i really need and want. i want to stop spending on craps. i want to be a writer and write good stuff. i want to socialize well. i want to live a stylish lifestyle. i want to be known. i want to be left alone when i’m not in a good mood. i want to stop smoking. i want to live a healthy lifestyle. i want to keep my dark secrets to myself. i want to stop lying. i want to stop analyzing my dreams. i want to sleep a good sleep every night. i want to make him believe that i want him. i want to hold hands and cuddle in doors when it’s raining outside. i want to have late supper at mcdonald’s. i want to keep track of my money. i want to redecorate mak’s place. i want to get involve with nature. i want a white horse. i want to make friends instead of flirting. i want to be a malay woman. i want to speak Javanese. i want to be appreciated. i want to be remembered. i want to be normal. i want to stop whining. i want a lot of things.

tentang mimpi

dulu waktu aku masih anak kecil, aku kerap bermimpi pergi ke suatu tempat. satu, macam auditorium yang bangunannya looked so 70's. yang satu lagi, kampung arwah nenek aku. yang peliknya, the 70's-looking auditorium tidak wujud dalam reality begitu juga kampung yang aku mimpi kan itu. tapi aku ada 2-3 kali mimpi ke tempat yang sama. yang itu malam waktu aku rasa rindu akan kampung arwah nenek aku, aku pergi ke kampung yang dalam mimpi. bukan yang ada di realiti. seingat aku, the last time i dreamed of going to that 'kampung' was way back in secondary school. setelah sekian lama, aku kembali ke kampung yang sama cuma dengan keadaan yang macam maju sikit.
i'm just curious. kamu semua ada mimpi sebegitu kah? going to the same place in your dreams, yang tidak wujud in reality pun, berulang kali?

siri mimpi: dooms day dan rindu

I:
there were a bunch of us di hujung long beach, port yang selalu kami berjemur everytime we're on the island tapi ada lagi satu macam teluk kecil di sebalik batu-batu itu. dan walaupun tempat itu macam hanya di malysia, perasaan aku kata kami berada di phuket. we were playing with the waves. air biru laut(1) made us giggling, jumping around melayan waves after waves. suddenly ombak jadi besar and hit us hard. we started to hide behind those rocks. aku lihat ke arah laut yang terbentang luas. aku teringat tentang tsunami(2). buat aku gerun. dan suddenly it was night time and we were preparing ourselves for the beach club. ada beberapa buah kereta mewah(3) parked outside the club. funny pasal bukannya ada jalanraya pun atas pulau itu. i saw a girl yang mukanya macam mischa barton(4), wasted dengan satu kaki terkeluar dari tingkap kereta mewahnya. then i looked around and searched for mili(5). ada instinct cakap dia dengan lelaki tua(6) yang bekerja di salah satu beach clubs along the beach itu. i found her walking next to a man and she told me not to worry. the old guy, he wasn't friendly towards me because he knew i was going get mili away from him.


(1) some time before falling asleep, i was staring at the clear blue water of perhentian on my laptop.
(2) yesterday ben said something about this western people who are planning to drill a hole in the earth. for real. and he said maybe it's like a sign of dooms day. mestilah aku jadi takut.
(3) ada orang forward sms pada aku tentang perhimpunan MLM dengan kereta mewah mereka. aku macam jelek.
(4) girlfriend housemate aku sebelum ini muka dia iras mischa barton. aku tidak tipu. cuma dress up-nya tidak sesuai sikit.
(5) we were texting each other before i slept..
(6) she has fallen for a 40-year-old guy. married with kids.

kemudian aku terjaga dari tidur.

II:
kami berempat(1) di dalam kereta, aku tidak pasti dari mana tapi jalan yang kami lalui sangat familiar. jalan kampung yang sedikit meriah than before. ada gerai-gerai menjual hasil cucuk-tanam dan produk desa di bahu jalan. aku teringat yang jalan itu adalah jalanraya di kampung negeri sembilan aku. sitting at the back of the car, aku toleh kiri dan nampak rumah arwah nenek(2). aku rindu jadi aku minta cikna(3) pull over so i can check that place out. jalan ke rumah nenek sangat curam so i climbed tanah merah yang dah dibentuk jadi tangga itu. it took me a while to get to the top. then i saw the kampung area was busy with people walking around. macam suasana yang kau tengok dalam filem p. ramlee cuma berwarna. i remember the colours of the dream were bright: yellow, orange, bright green, bright blue. aku rasa sangat rindu. macam sayu.


(1) the evening before we had berbuka puasa together. minus the other guy. the colleagues i used to take a ride with when we first started working in cyber.j.
(2) aku rindu awe (that's what we called her). i can't remember the lastnight we went to her grave.
(3) it was his birthday we celebrated the evening before.

let's get intimate

Pick your birth month:

january - talented
febuary - lowlife
march - immature
april - wild
may - exciting
june - weird
july - selfish
august - hot
september - scary
october - messed up
november - cool
december - sexy


Pick the color shirt you have on:

pink - cupcake sales person
blue - hooker
red - bartender
green - engineer
purple - Mc Donalds worker
white - pole dancer
yellow - taxi driver
black - chef
orange - homeless
gray - stripper
no shirt - millionaire
other - celebrity


Pick the day you were born:

1 - who once dated mick jagger
2 - that hates kids
3 - who is an attention seeker
4 - who is an axe murderer
5 - who sucks at reading
6 - who licks peoples toes
7 - who kills kids, especially brats
8 - who goes to dunkin donuts everyday
9 - that loves island hopping
10 - who always bullshits a bullshitter
11 - that is cheating on someone for money
12 - who never brushes their hair
13 - who strips to pay for bills
14 - who is a gold digger
15 - who needs to brush their teeth
16 - who is secretly bi
17 - that is a whore
18 - who is anorexic
19 - who wants sex
20 - that owns two siamese fighting fish
21- that wants to have chinese food
22 - that is obsessed with cam-whoring
23 - who loves cats
24 - that wants to be in love
25 - who is a bookworm
26 - who will never have luck in sex
27 - who is a drug addict
28 - who wears neon-coloured leotards to work
29 - who takes naked pictures of themselves
30 - who will stay in the same place forever
31 - that wants a vibrator

so today i'm the sexy engineer who wants a vibrator. wow. pandai dia teka keperluan aku sekarang. haha!

now do yours and post it in the comment section or...
THE BOOGIE MAN WILL HAUNT YOU FOREVER! BOO!!!

of plain honesty and hypocrisy

i lie. i lie a lot and when you lie a lot, you're considered a liar. but at times, i get tired of lying so i tend to tell the truth. pasal yes, a lie will obviously lead to another and you can never know when it will end. tapi bila aku bercakap jujur selalunya aku akan beritahu mereka yang rapat dengan aku. dan selalunya the things i utter to them aren't the nicest things. i have two very, very close girlfriends. the type of girls yang memang true girlfriends pasal they stick with me, on my side through whatever craps that you can imagine. dan aku? hmm...not the very true kind of girlfriend. kind of yang kau tidak perlu peduli sangat pun. aku ada satu prinsip diri yang macam agak susah untuk ditch: if you don't mess with me, then i'm fine. walhal my two girls pula: you mess with my girlfriend means you're messing with me. when i was down and had a thing against a dwarf bitch or that singer's junky sister, they were there sticking up for me, showing their hate. but me? i couldn't bring myself showing the hate against their rivals because i just...couldn't. pasal personally mereka belum threaten aku lagi so aku jadi neutral. pasal aku seboleh-bolehnya tidak mahu enemies. enemies buat kau rasa gelisah dan aku kalau gelisah jadi macam sakit mental. macam schizo sikit. trust me, kau akan benci aku bila aku paranoid sebegitu. so i try be nice to everyone. well, yang tidak cari masalah dengan aku lah. yang cari masalah itu, pay the price lah, kan? macam kalau kawan aku ada band dan muzik yang mereka bawa just happened to not be my cup of tea, no matter how nice and great they are as friends to me, it will still stay that way: not my cup of tea. i'm so cruel. plus way too confused pasal macam mana aku boleh deny everything else and practice pretentious tapi untuk hati seorang teman yang priceless, aku gagal? my lovelings, sifat aku yang satu ini, aku harap-harap sangat kau boleh understand. besides, you already know i am THAT ignorant. aku betul rasa guilty sangat.

siri mimpi: buku ATP, 1994

we were there again, in cherating. the same chalet next to the stables(1). i saw a white horse with those black freckles(2). cuaca agak panas. i was hanging out on the porch, membaca buku yang macam buku teks sekolah. cuma nipis sedikit, macam buku kemahiran hidup tapi bersaiz segi empat sama. the book was written by Mm(3), about his college days at LUCT(4). the book was about why he failed his course: because he always helped his coursemates studying for exams. aku selak pages by pages. dia senaraikan antara coursemates-nya yang berjaya yang salah seorangnya adalah karl lagerfeld(5) dan aku macam terkejut tapi masih percaya yang fashion icon itu pernah belajar di LUCT. next to the profile picture, ada a little description macam ini:

KARL LAGERFELD
(nama sebenar adalah 'henri')

dan aku mengangguk sambil mulut aku berbentuk 'O'. aku selak-selak lagi kemudian aku tengok cover buku. kau ingat time kalau karaoke lagu melayu, sebelum lagu start akan keluar title dan ada model lelaki yang konon macho habis pose frust bercinta sambil merenung jauh? Mm was doing the exact pose for the book's cover. aku tidak gelak, hanya pelik jadi aku cari tahun publication buku itu. 1994(6). owh. no wonder. aku belek-belek lagi dan back cover pula ada gambar bekas teman wanitanya yang berbibir mungil itu. posing maut. aku tidak rasa sangat pelik pasal tahun publication-nya adalah 1994.



(1) mungkin aku semangat sangat mahu return to cherating after raya nanti for the surf competition(no. i do not surf) which some of my friends would be there. i also got a missed call from geng in the middle of my slumber.
(2) kuda favourite yang dulu selalu aku intai setiap kali lalu di UPM on the way to work.
(3) sebelum tidur aku baca blog dia dan aku rasa comel pasal dia tidak kisah untuk hari-hari ke subang.
(4) aku suka his current girlfriend jadi aku klik blog dia pula. she's studying in LUCT.
(5) sebelum tidur, aku sempat juga melayari facebook dan tengok kawan aku menggayakan jeket karl lagerfeld yang berharga RM2000 or RM4000. lebih kurang.
(6) siangnya aku baca blog jebon tentang kisah puasanya pada tahun 1994.

lagu cengkerik

waktu senja

buat aku
rindu

senyuman
yang kau
nampak
ketawa
yang kau
dengar
hanya palsu

se-palsu
perasaan aku

waktu senja

buat aku

sunyi


-fzk-

keep on pretending

aku rasa, denial itu ada dalam setiap seorang umat manusia di dunia ini. semacam mana perfect pun kau, tidak mungkin kalau tiada secubit denial. dan bila ada denial, automatically kau pretend juga. mereka teman erat. contoh, kau tahu teman baik kau sedang meniduri suami orang and sedang bahagia doing it dan kau tahu ia salah tapi pasal teman baik kau rasa bahagia, kau deny yang situasi itu mungkin salah dan kau pretend kau tidak tahu. sebab pretend adalah jawapan yang buat hati kau senang. pasal kalau kau ambil kisah, nanti kau akan susah hati untuk teman baik kau. well, salah satu contoh lah. and that's how i live my life. i deny a lot of things and enjoy pretending everything's fine. aku ini manusia yang terlalu emotional sampai kadang-kadang memakan diri. phlegmatic-melancholic katanya si jung. feelings comes first baru otak. tidak bagus. tidak bagus. sifat aku yang ini boleh merosakkan diri kalau terbawa-bawa. but apparently i find it hard to fight against it. jadi, hasilnya aku selalu dalam denial. pasal aku rasa being indenial adalah perkara paling selamat untuk aku buat masa sekarang. jadi jangan terlalu persoalkan sangat tentang perasaan aku. pasal aku akan break down and cry any minute saja. kisah yang tentang kau, sebenarnya belum habis lagi. cuma kau tidak tahu mimpi apa yang sentiasa bermain di dalam ini. jadi kalau mahu difikirkan lagi, eventhough we all should stop thinking on the reason why, denial itu satu perkara yang sihat.

coincidence yang sangat ketara

as drops of water from the shower hit my hair then streamed down my neck this morning, aku terfikir tentang komen sarah on the previous post. how sometimes kau hanya perlu seseorang untuk berbual-bicara, kadang-kadang tentang topik yang tidak ada kena-mengena langsung dengan partner-bual kau. kemudian fikiran aku drifted kepada sarah, how she's pretty and popular and i bet favoured among others. owh. dan of course kebarangkalian for her to have stalkers setia sangatlah tinggi. jadi aku fikir tentang bagaimana rasanya menjadi mangsa stalk. dalam diam, aku budget (mungkin) yang aku ini adalah mangsa stalk somebody's girlfriend. owh. dan juga yang terlalu selalu makan ayat-ayat manis dari si mulut manis yang ada pemanis di atas bibirnya.
baru pagi tadi terfikir dan aku came across a black & white profile picture of a certain someone just a few minutes ago. nice try. tapi gambar aku lagi hot dari kau. and please, get creative lah. boyfriend kau kan photographer. by the way, sekarang bulan puasa. letak gambar senonoh sikit, ya.

perkara spontaneous yang patut disesali

in the wee hour of the morning, lagu favourite kau berdering dari handphone. kau capai dan kau wonder who actually have you in mind at that time of the day. kau tekan butang yang ada icon warna hijau, kau tegur yang on the other end. ada suara yang macam familiar, tapi kau tidak faham apa yang cuba dipertuturkan pasal yang kau dengar hanya sobs. diselit dengan sedu-sedan. kau cakap hello. dan reply yang sama diberi. kemudian, suara yang at the other end putus asa lalu ended the call. dan kau wonder, kenapa, of all the people around, dia yang had you in mind at that wee hour of the morning.
and in that wee hour of the morning juga, ada yang lagi seorang sedang wonder. kenapa, of all the numbers listed in my tiny samsung, nombor kau yang jari aku pantas dail. cuma kali ini the sobs weren't for you.
maaf pada mereka yang tersalah risau dan tafsir.